S4, E9: Visualizing Your Ideal Relationship with guest Adrienne Maclain, Ph.D.
Jun 05, 2024
In this episode of "The Crazy Ex-Wives Club," host Erica Bennett welcomes best-selling author Adrienne Maclain to guide listeners through a powerful visualization exercise to attract their ideal partner. Discover the significance of personal empowerment, self-love, and setting clear intentions when navigating relationships and dating.
Erica and Adrienne discuss embracing authenticity, the pivotal role of intuition, and the importance of allowing natural consequences for growth. Tune in to gain insights on aligning your energy, defining what you truly desire, and creating your own reality with intention and joy.
Plus, learn about the free tools and resources available at www.thecrazyexwivesclub.com to support your journey.
Learn more about this week’s guest: Adrienne Maclain
Adrienne MacIain, Ph.D. is the bestselling author of the Creative Living for All series and the go-to expert on unleashing Creative Flow. She helps Creators like you to let go of the Shoulds and start giving your authentic gifts so you can make a living that feels like thriving.
Grab your free session with Adrienne HERE - A free hour-long coaching session to help you act as your ideal self.
Visualizing Your Ideal Relationship with guest Adrienne Maclain, Ph.D. FULL TRANSCRPTS
Erica Bennett [00:00:00]:
Hey, guys. Welcome back. We are still in season four, and today is all about helping you get clear. So whether you are starting to date again, contemplating those dating apps, or perhaps you've turned it on and turned it off real fast, or you are in your relationship trying to figure out what's right for you, today's guest is going to help you get clear on understanding what you want and how to follow those inspired ideas to lead you to where you want to go. So, let's get started. Welcome to The Crazy Ex-Wives Club, a podcast dedicated to helping women navigate the emotional journey that is divorce. I'm your host, Erica. And if you're trying to figure out life after the big d, welcome to the club.
Erica Bennett [00:00:49]:
Whether you're contemplating divorce or dealing with the aftermath or any of the many phases in between, the club has got you covered. Each week, you'll hear stories from women who have been in your shoes. This isn't about spilling tea on divorce details. This is about giving you the tools to take control of your own healing journey. Listen in weekly for advice, tips, and tools to help you move through each stage of the process. Hey, guys, it's Erica. And we are back with another episode of The Crazy Ex-Wives Club. So today, my guest, Audrey Ann McKeon, is a best-selling author.
Erica Bennett [00:01:26]:
She focuses on creative living. I am telling you this guest, she has her fingers and everything, energy, mastery, creative flow, helping other women build their creativity and finding which way they want to go. She is talented in so many different directions, and so I asked her to come on and just have a good conversation about how you get clear on intentions and call in what you want. So, Adreinne, thank you for joining us today.
Adrienne Maclain [00:01:51]:
Thank you so much for having me. I am so delighted to be here.
Erica Bennett [00:01:54]:
Yeah, well, I loved when we had our first little chat and first got to meet each other and connect, and I just loved your energy, you know, the excitement behind it, the. The positivity. Right. And I, like, don't want to say positivity because everybody's on the, like, ooh, gratitude, positivity bandwagon, but it's not that. But it just feels so light and fun to be around. And I knew you'd be the right expert to help us talk through. How do you get clear on what you want? I mean, good lord, you're out there dating and trying to figure out the world. How do you get clear? You know, that's the question.
Adrienne Maclain [00:02:28]:
Absolutely. Yeah. I think everything needs to be playful. We need to come at this from a not too serious point of view, if we take ourselves too seriously and we set our intentions with this sense of heaviness, of, I have to have it this way, right? Focusing on an outcome, that's where we get into trouble. If we can retrace our steps and go back to just, what do I want to feel more of, experience more of and share more of, then everything flows so much more easily. It's so much more fun, and you enjoy the process so much more.
Erica Bennett [00:03:07]:
I love that. You are, like, preaching to the choir. That was the most beautifully said. You know, I think step one, you guys, like, you don't get on an app unless you think it's fun.
Adrienne Maclain [00:03:17]:
So please, please don't get on an app unless you think it's fun.
Erica Bennett [00:03:21]:
Yeah. I mean, like, the whole dating process, if you're coming at it and you're just like, oh, my God, it's the next thing I have to do that's going to show up in your energy. And so being able to be like, I just want to play with this and see. And I love the other part, which I think is the most important part. I was a repeat offender of this one, is that I wanted to define what I thought the best solution was. And then I wanted to play with the universe and say, okay, universe, make it fun to get there. So, universe, you take care of the journey and making it fun. But I've already decided the criteria.
Erica Bennett [00:03:54]:
I know what's best. And literally, you got to flip that.
Adrienne Maclain [00:03:58]:
You got to flip it around. Absolutely. I mean, I want to clarify. I think it's really important for us to envision what our ideal situation looks like just so that we know what it is. Right. But then once you've done that, it's like you've put it into the GPS coordinates. Okay, it's already done. The universe heard you.
Adrienne Maclain [00:04:16]:
You don't need to keep focusing on it and repeating it over and over again when you're driving. Is it a good idea to be looking at the. The address where you're going over and over and over again while you're trying to drive? No, that's insane. The GPS knows where you're going. You already told it. Now focus on the road in front of you. Focus on what you can see in your headlights. That's all you need to worry about right now, girl.
Erica Bennett [00:04:40]:
Yeah, it is, definitely. I mean, and it was really. And I still go back and forth, right. Because sometimes we just get so tied to wanting a thing in the physical reality, you know, like, maybe there's a program I want to launch right now, and I am, like, choking it to death. Instead of, why don't I enjoy the journey? Is every single day in my business, fun is every single day, you know, as you're looking at dating, is it fun? Am I enjoying where I'm at? And then guess what happens? More fun stuff shows up. More. More connections and opportunities, and it leads you to whatever that end path is. And I love that.
Erica Bennett [00:05:13]:
Like, you've got to visualize it, you guys. This was a thing I did a lot, and I used to check out because part of me was very overwhelmed, but part of me was also, like, I just need to visualize what it feels like to be in my future state. And so that's kind of what you're saying. Like, I put the order in. The order was already in there. I knew how it felt to be in partnership. I knew how it felt to be with the person I wanted to be with. I could start seeing little movie clips of, like, oh, this is, you know, us laughing, or this is us whatever.
Erica Bennett [00:05:41]:
But what I didn't do was paint in all of the physical attributes, right? What I didn't paint in was the job that the person had to have that I turned over.
Adrienne Maclain [00:05:49]:
Yep. You got to release that. You got to release that. So, I love what you said there, that it's all about how you want it to feel, okay? It's all about the feelings. If you walk away from this podcast with nothing else today, okay, remember, it's all about how you want it to feel, and you can feel that right now. And the more you feel that right now, the more you attract it into your life. You need to assume the identity of the partner that you would wish for. Your ideal partner.
Adrienne Maclain [00:06:23]:
Now, you got to be that person in the present. So first, though, you need to define, like, who is this person, right? Who is this ideal partner of mine? What is this ideal relationship? How does it feel to me? And so, what we want to do is really clarify for ourselves what is an ideal situation in terms of a relationship for me? What does it feel like? What does it look like? How does. How. How do I fit into it? So, what I always recommend is that we start with just making an order with the universe, right? A nice, really clear order with the universe. I call this Somnium Persona, which just means my dream person. It's a Latin term. Okay? I made it up. Don't look it up.
Adrienne Maclain [00:07:14]:
Somnium Persona is the exercise. Okay? So, what you're going to do, you're going to start. Don't, you know, don't take a piece of paper. You'll get to that later. Okay. I just want you to start in a comfortable position. Get yourself super comfy cozy if you're driving. Don't do this right now, okay? Do this later.
Adrienne Maclain [00:07:29]:
Someplace you can really relax completely. Relax your body, relax your mind, clear your mind. Allow all those thoughts that are there to just kind of, like, go down a little drain. Okay. When a thought shows up, just watch it kind of go down the drain. Right. We're going to breathe some colored light into our bodies. So, let's take a deep breath and just notice what color that light was for you.
Adrienne Maclain [00:07:58]:
For me, that time, it was kind of a rose gold. So, we're going to try that again. That time I got a kind of swirling green and blue together. Maybe that's because of the outfit that I'm wearing today, but that's what I saw. All right.
Erica Bennett [00:08:17]:
I'm seeing green and blue, too. So beautiful.
Adrienne Maclain [00:08:20]:
Beautiful. But it might also just be the heart and the throat chakra, right?
Erica Bennett [00:08:25]:
It's the heart. Right. I was like, yeah, I think I'm just tuned into the green. Maybe that's why you wore green today, because you could. Maybe that's what I. Who knows?
Adrienne Maclain [00:08:34]:
Yeah. So, you don't have to judge it. Just notice. Just notice what color is coming to you. Okay, we're going to try it one more time. That time I got pure gold and then, like, a little silver right in the end. All right, so now that you've kind of relaxed, gotten into a kind of heightened state, what I want you to do is see a door in front of you, okay? Just notice. What kind of door is it? Is it a new door? Is it an old door? Is it made of wood? Is it made of something else? Is it painted? Is it stained? What kind of door is this? Is it ornately carved, maybe? It's super fancy, right? Just look at the door.
Adrienne Maclain [00:09:19]:
What is the door? And then notice what kind of handle this door has. Right. And I want you, when you are ready to grab that handle and turn it. And just know as you do this, the handle is warm, by the way. It's not cold to the touch. It is warm when you touch it. And when you turn this handle and open this door, I need you to know that on the other side of this is home. And what I mean by home is the place that you are destined to be in your life.
Adrienne Maclain [00:09:53]:
This is the space where the you-iest version of you lives, okay? Your favorite version of yourself in the healthiest, most wonderful, amazing relationship possible. Okay. That is your home on the other side of the store. So, when you're ready, I want you to just turn that knob, open this door, and step inside and just notice what it feels like in here. What is the vibe? What can you see? What can you hear? What can you smell? Is your partner making you a delicious meal? Perhaps? What is happening in this space? What can you smell? What can you taste? What can you touch? And I want you to just walk through this space and feel the feeling of a healthy, happy couple lives here. And when you're ready, I want you to notice that there is a figure. Okay? You can start to kind of see that this figure is taking shape. And as you walk closer and closer, I want you to see more and more detail about this person.
Adrienne Maclain [00:11:26]:
What is the vibe that they are giving off? What do they look like? How do they carry themselves? What are the markers that you can see and feel and hear that make you know that this is for me. This is my person. And I want you to just walk through. We're not going to do this today, but in your own time, when you have a moment to do this, I want you to just walk through a day with this person. Okay? You wake up in the bed next to them. What happens next? What happens next? What happens next? All the way to the end of the day, when you get some really wonderful news, and you two are going to celebrate together. And I want you to see that celebration and really, again, feel. Feel what it feels like.
Adrienne Maclain [00:12:23]:
What are all the feelings that you get in this relationship with this person? Do you feel free? Do you feel supported? Do you feel peaceful? Do you feel calm? Do you feel excited? Do you feel entertained? Do you feel loved? Notice all the feelings that come up. When you're ready, just come on back, open your eyes, be here with me. You can shake that off. And then when you're done with that, I want you to just write down as much detail as you can remember about that experience that you just had, making a special note. Right. Of the feelings that you felt and like. No. Okay.
Adrienne Maclain [00:13:06]:
This is a non-negotiable for me. I have to feel this way in a relationship. Okay? I have to have this, like, it. Not necessarily a thing, but I have to have this feeling in place in order to feel like, this is my relationship. This is, for me, that all clear.
Erica Bennett [00:13:31]:
I love it. Now you got me, like, half meditative, though, so, like, yawns are pouring out of my body every time. I. I noticed that.
Adrienne Maclain [00:13:39]:
Yeah, yeah, that's good. That's good. That means you are really tapping into the, the waves that are a little bit slower. It's slowing you down, and it's telling you, oxygen. Oxygen's a good thing. We need that. Yes.
Erica Bennett [00:13:51]:
I always know that's why I got to do, like, my little snake thing, because I can feel where it gets stuck and then it's got to go, and it moves around. But I love that because you guys thought, like, when we say you got to do the work and visualize what you want, that's how fun it gets to be. That that's the stuff. And you can drop back in to that same, you know, I call my version of it as, I call it the movie of your life. You can drop back into that movie clip as often as you want. And, like, I would see, like, little snapshots, right? It was just a clip here, and then it flashes forward to a clip here and to a clip here. And so, you start to paint the picture of what it feels like. And the thing that I was thinking about when you were doing it is so often, we visualize everything external to us.
Erica Bennett [00:14:38]:
And are you also visualizing who you are? Right, so you visualize the house that you want to walk into at the end of the day, the home that's there for you. How do you enter that home? Like, because I was having a little aha. That I always visualized, you know, laughing with my partner. I always visualize, okay, so I have manifested a man who loves to tease me in a very loving. Yeah. And so, and sometimes it irks the crap out of me because I'm showing up straight and get her done. And so not laughing. So not laughing.
Erica Bennett [00:15:14]:
And he's laughing, and I'm not laughing. And I had, like, in this very moment, as you guided us through it, and I was like, oh, yeah. Do you want to visualize how you need to show up so that that energy is a match, because you, you visualize having somebody who's laughing and happy all the time, but you're crabby. This is not going to work. You got it? You got to line it up.
Adrienne Maclain [00:15:33]:
Exactly. The bottom line is that, honestly, you need to be the person that you want to be with. You need to step into that whole person that you are hoping is going to come and, like, sweep you off your feet and save you. Right. You need to be dating yourself. You need to be giving yourself all the things that you're hoping a partner will give you right now. But in terms of setting your order with the universe, there are some rules. Okay, you might want to write these down.
Erica Bennett [00:16:05]:
I am a rule follower. I do love a good rule.
Adrienne Maclain [00:16:08]:
Well, I got some rules for you. Okay. Rule number one is that the universe does not understand negatives. You cannot set a negative intention. So, I don't want any more of this. I don't want any more of this. That doesn't work. You have to envision the opposite of that.
Adrienne Maclain [00:16:29]:
Okay? What is it that you do want? What do you want to feel more of? So, if you're thinking, I don't want my guy to be broke, okay. Okay. Well, then what does it look like for a man to be wealthy enough to support you? How does that feel to you when you feel supported? Right? If you feel like. I don't, you know, I've been dating narcissists. I don't want any more narcissists. What's the opposite of a narcissist? What is the opposite of that energy? Is it someone who's so full of love that it just spills out onto everything around them? Instead of being a black hole of, like, I need all of the love right now. Give it to me. Give it to me endlessly, right? Figure out what is the opposite of that thing you don't want anymore and focus all your attention on.
Adrienne Maclain [00:17:17]:
What does that feel like? That's the order that you're making with the universe. What do you want? Okay, so that's rule number one of making your order with the universe. Rule number two is you need to be clear and specific. Okay? It's like a genie. Have you ever watched a movie where there is a genie? You know what's coming, right? Like, any. Any wiggle room that you give them, they're going to misinterpret that. They're going to run with it, right? So, this is why it's really important to focus on the feelings, not on the specific material. Whatever.
Adrienne Maclain [00:17:59]:
Whatever. Because then it's so easy to misinterpret that and send you something you thought you wanted, that you didn't want. This is where they say, careful what you wish for, right? Careful what you wish for, because you're going to get it. So be really clear on how you want to feel, because that's not going to change. That's not going to change. How you want to feel doesn't change. And so be super clear and specific about how you want to feel in the situation.
Erica Bennett [00:18:30]:
And I will tell you guys, we'll give you, like, a little, like, it's not an asterisk, but, like, an exit plan. If you're not clear enough. You're going to manifest somebody in, who's going to give you the clarity to understand that you weren't clear enough in the. And so don't worry if you do it wrong the first time.
Adrienne Maclain [00:18:46]:
It's all part of the game.
Erica Bennett [00:18:48]:
It's part of the game. You'll be like, oh, yeah, 80% of that was great. 20% wasn't. Okay, go back. Go to, go to rule number one. Go visualize again. Refine, refine and sand it down to what you want. All right.
Erica Bennett [00:18:58]:
Is there a rule number three for us?
Adrienne Maclain [00:19:00]:
Absolutely. Well, that is the fun of dating, though, right? Is that this is the experiment. It's a constant experiment. We are trying new things. We're tasting things and saying, I like that flavor, I didn't like that as much. Right? I like this texture; I didn't like that as much. So, this is what dating is for. This is the fun of it.
Adrienne Maclain [00:19:17]:
To really clarify what works for you and what doesn't. Okay, I champion you to use these three words a lot as you're dating. That's for me. Okay. So, when you are out with someone and you see a quality that you like, you say to yourself, that's for me. If you see something that is not for you, you don't even need to make a mental note of that. Just ignore it. Okay? It's not for you.
Adrienne Maclain [00:19:42]:
Just leave it there. But focus on what's for you. More of this, please. Universe. I'll have more of this. I'd like another order of this, please. So, focus, number three. Focus on what you already have that you want more of.
Adrienne Maclain [00:19:57]:
Okay? Notice, be aware. Appreciate what is already here that makes you feel the way you want to feel and ask for more of that. More like this. If you have good friends who make you laugh, right, spend more time with them and laugh and say, that's for me. That's for me. That's for me. I want to laugh with somebody. If you have someone who is your rock, right, maybe they're a family member or a friend who just always is there for you, spend time with that person and just say, universe.
Adrienne Maclain [00:20:28]:
Universe. More like this, please. More like this. This is for me. So, focus on what is already around that you want more of.
Erica Bennett [00:20:43]:
Hey, there, it's Erica, your companion on this journey at the Crazy Ex Wives Club. I want to make sure that you're aware of all the tools at your disposal as you navigate through this chapter of your life. First off, head over to the website thecrazyexwivesclub.com. take the finding your way forward quiz. It's designed to give you personalized insights, key behaviors you can start doing right now and it won't cost you a thing. Then, if you're looking for a bit more support, check out services. There are on demand resources, there are coaching programs, and there are other support options to help you in your healing process. I value having you in this community, being a weekly listener and sharing it with those people in need.
Erica Bennett [00:21:26]:
So, thank you for walking this path with me together.
Adrienne Maclain [00:21:33]:
Okay, so the final rule, okay, focus on you. Focus on you. So, this intention around you, what do I want to feel? It always starts with you. It's not all about your partner. It's about what are you offering a partner? What are you bringing to the table? That's the part that you are in control of, your own energy. So, focus. Focus on bringing, like you were saying earlier, bringing the energy that you want to see in a relationship, in any situation that you're in. This is the law of assumption, okay? Assume the identity of the person that you want to be.
Adrienne Maclain [00:22:14]:
Assume the identity of that person who your ideal partner deserves. Okay?
Erica Bennett [00:22:21]:
And I would say, too, like, it's not. You're not faking it. Like, I hate the fake it until you make it. You're not. You're reaching for as close as you can get to it until you become stable and then you change a little bit more. Right? So, you assume this, like, kind of building on what you were saying before of like, if somebody makes you feel really good, hang out with that friend more, right? Find those places, you know, when you get tuned into the emotion and you know how you want to feel, and you're like, wow, I feel that way with this friend. You know, like, great. Maybe it's another mom you hang out with.
Erica Bennett [00:22:52]:
I'm not saying a romantic friend. I'm just saying there's a person in your life who delivers that feeling, acknowledge it. Say yes, more of this, please, and just soak it up. Because you. You relieve the pressure that the thing you're looking for has to come from a romantic partner. And it can start showing up everywhere so that you can start to assume that feeling, assume that new level of who you are because it's already in your reality.
Adrienne Maclain [00:23:18]:
Yeah. And I want to talk to you about that whole fake it until you make it thing. Okay? This is not act as if. Okay, it's act as. Let me clarify. Act as if is. I'm going to act as if I already have my ideal partner in my life. And that doesn't work because you know that it's fake.
Adrienne Maclain [00:23:38]:
You know that it's not true. You wake up in the morning and you go, well, nobody next to me. Okay? And so, you have immediate resistance to that idea, okay? When you know that something's not true, you automatically feel that, and you go, no, that's not true. Act as the person you know yourself to be on a soul level, on a cellular level, the inner being that is always there. Let that shine out. Just let it shine out. The whole point is not to put on a mask of who you want to be. It's to take off all the masks that you've had to wear to survive in the world.
Adrienne Maclain [00:24:17]:
Okay? This book right here, melting ivory, this is about my first marriage, and that guy tried to kill me, okay? Literally tried to murder me. But I was trying so hard to be the person that I thought he wanted that I thought, okay, well, maybe I deserve that, right?
Erica Bennett [00:24:34]:
Like that.
Adrienne Maclain [00:24:34]:
That's how. How messed up we can get when we focus on being somebody for somebody else, being what we think the world wants us to be, what we think a partner wants us to be. We got to stop it. We got to stop it. Okay? You have to be that person that is already in there. Just let her shine out and don't let anything and anyone get in the way. That's the only difference between you and that favorite version of you. The you-iest version of you, as I say, not best.
Adrienne Maclain [00:25:07]:
Okay? We're not going to put that judgment on it. It's just the you-iest you. The only difference is that the you-iest you shines unapologetically.
Erica Bennett [00:25:18]:
Yes. I love that because that is what it is. You're just brighter, you're fuller, you're just. You're fully you. Instead of having this armor, having these layers that are. That are built up on top of it, I think it was making me think of, too, that so often when I was dating, I would look at the other person, right? Like, let's pretend it's their profile. But I'm looking at the details of this person's life, and I would ask myself, can I live with that? Can I adapt to those favorites? Can I adapt and find my happiness by morphing into them? And so, as you visualize, you guys are going to come back to things that are more aligned with you. And again, it's a test and learn.
Erica Bennett [00:26:01]:
I think that idea comes up, too, of when I visualize my perfect house. You flip through magazines. I can find ten different houses that I think look beautiful. And yet I've never created one of those houses that I live in. Why? Because can I morph myself into being the person that walks through that door? Probably. But is it me? Probably not. So, we can all morph into a lot of things. And this work helps you figure out, who are you? Where's your bright shining light so that you're not walking into somebody else's.
Erica Bennett [00:26:33]:
Can I adapt to it? Can I settle to it? Can I live with it? You're bringing in what you want to be your best self.
Adrienne Maclain [00:26:40]:
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. And the bottom line is you already know because it feels right. It's, you know, your intuition will tell you when something's for you. And when something's not for you, it'll let you know very clearly. Right. We always know when something's not for us. We know immediately. We know when we are faking it.
Adrienne Maclain [00:27:01]:
We know when we're trying to force something. Right. We know when we're chasing. Let's talk about chasing for a minute. One of the biggest mistakes that we make in dating is that we chase. We chase what we want, and we do not sit still and allow what we want to come to us. What you seek is seeking you in equal measure. But if you are constantly chasing after things, then they're going to run from you.
Adrienne Maclain [00:27:30]:
They're not even going to have the opportunity to notice that you are what they are seeking. This is human nature. When we are chased, we run. You know it's true, right? When people have pursued you a little too, like, actively, you're like, ooh, what's wrong with them? Right? You pull back. Yeah. So, we need to stop chasing and start attracting. And the way that we do that is to be a beacon for what we're seeking. We send out that energetic beacon of this is the kind of life I want to live.
Adrienne Maclain [00:28:02]:
This is the kind of energy I want to surround myself with. And the people who are attracted to that see that? And they go, oh, I like that. That's my kind of energy. And they are automatically attracted to you without you having to do anything other.
Erica Bennett [00:28:18]:
Then maintain your own natural self. Like, that's your job, you guys, just.
Adrienne Maclain [00:28:24]:
Yes, be your authentic self. Okay? And I know that can be hard to define, and so just refocus, refocus, refocus on how do I want to feel? How do I want to feel? That's it. You don't have to define, like, who am I? Right? Like, all this navel gazing. Try to figure out, like, who's the real me. Right. It's not about that. It's about feeling the way you want to feel and noticing, very important noticing when you don't feel the way you want to feel, and honoring and respecting the fact that, okay, this isn't working for me. I acknowledge that.
Adrienne Maclain [00:28:58]:
Maybe you can't do anything about that right now. I understand. These things do happen. Right? Maybe you're in a situation where you're like, there's nothing I can do about that. It doesn't feel right to me, but there's nothing I can do about it for the moment. But now that you've noticed it, okay, you have already set yourself on a trajectory to say, how can I make it so that this isn't necessary in my life, that I don't have to put up with this? Because I'll tell you something right now, what you put up with, you end.
Erica Bennett [00:29:29]:
Up with, oh, that hurts so bad. Oh, my God, it's so true. Because I'm thinking, like, I'm like, what did I end up with? Yeah, I put up with that for a really, really long time as they got bigger and worse. And I'm like, oh, I just got called out. Okay. No, I'm just kidding. We all do it. We all do because we.
Erica Bennett [00:29:54]:
We make excuses. Oh, it'll get better. Let. Let me just stick it out. Yes.
Adrienne Maclain [00:30:00]:
Nope. It won't until you change it. Okay? And so, this is a matter of just recognizing that you're worthy of feeling the way you want to feel. And if something doesn't feel the way you want it to feel, you need to do something about that. You need to do something about that, and you have to. This is. I'm sorry, but I have to say this, okay? This is like, maybe somebody out there really needs this message right now, okay? People need the consequences of their own actions. If you keep protecting the people around you from the consequences of their own actions, not only are you taking on pain that you don't need and don't deserve, but they are also not getting the pain that they need in order to change.
Adrienne Maclain [00:30:48]:
They need that pain. Stop trying to protect them from it. So, it can be very uncomfortable sometimes to recognize, like, this doesn't feel good to me, so I can't put up with this anymore. It might not go well in terms of the conversation that you're about to have, but the thing is, then, that wasn't for you, baby. Right.
Erica Bennett [00:31:12]:
You know, I even think that that applies. I think about my son, right? Like, for how many times? Because, you know, this poor kid. And I believe every soul picks their path. I believe he picked the life. He knew divorce was going to be a part of his childhood. Like, I'm not making any excuses for that. I fully believe he's empowered, and this was part of his life lessons, and I would still find myself doing things to try and protect him from that extra pain. Right.
Erica Bennett [00:31:39]:
Like, he needed the lesson. I had to stop saving him that he forgot stuff when he went to school. I had to stop saving him that he forgot stuff at dad's house, and I was driving 30 minutes there and back to go get it for him. That's like, a tiny version of it, but it's the same thing. He needed to, like, be uncomfortable because he made a choice, and it made a mistake for him to actually fix it versus continually waiting for me to fix it for him.
Adrienne Maclain [00:32:04]:
Yeah. I mean, ask yourself, when am I most likely to remember a lesson, right, and do it something differently the next time when it hurt, right? Like, when there was a consequence that I did not like, then I learned my lesson fast and I did not forget the next time. But if it was cushioned, if somebody else came and saved my butt at the last minute, maybe. Maybe I learned my lesson. Or maybe I was like, maybe I learned that people save me when I need saving, and so I can just kind of do whatever I do, and then someone will swoop in at the last minute and fix it for me.
Erica Bennett [00:32:46]:
That works. No, it doesn't work long term.
Adrienne Maclain [00:32:49]:
Not long term.
Erica Bennett [00:32:49]:
Short term.
Adrienne Maclain [00:32:51]:
Yeah, I love that.
Erica Bennett [00:32:52]:
And I think the other thing, too is, you know, as we're talking about all this stuff, right? Like, the biggest thing that really helped me, and it took me a long time to figure it out again, step by step, is how I figured it out. I knew that I didn't need a partner to deliver the experiences, the feelings, the things that I wanted in my life. I know that I'm the one that creates my reality and that I am 100% fully capable of delivering everything that I want. And the reality is that I'm best suited to deliver exactly what I want because I'm the only one in my head that knows exactly what I want. But I kept thinking, oh, it's going to be better when I have a partner. Oh, this is going to be better when I have a partner. Right. And so, like, as you're crafting these intentions and these desires, are you really clear on what it means to have a partner? Right.
Erica Bennett [00:33:41]:
Like, I did the whole, you know, okay, well, I want to go to a movie. Oh, I don't have a partner to take me or to go with. Right. And I can take myself. And so I'd go, right. And I would do all these things more as a checklist to prove that I could do them solo. Like, look at me. I liked going to the movie alone.
Erica Bennett [00:33:59]:
I didn't. That one was actually. That was the worst. That one was, like, I was so happy I went, because, do you remember, like, a couple years ago, like, they released dirty dance back in the movie theater for, like, one weekend, and I went, and I was literally the only person in the theater. But I loved that movie, and I needed to see it in the theater, and so did I love it when I was in there? Absolutely. Was it uncomfortable walking in solo? Absolutely. That is not the same energetic feeling of what it feels like to be content in partnership out at an event or a restaurant or a movie. And that's, like.
Erica Bennett [00:34:34]:
That's the fine tuning. You guys, if we set you up today and you've launched some rockets and you're moving towards what you want, that's like, the big, broad strokes. Then it gets down to this fine tuning where I was like, well, what did it really feel like when I had somebody to go with, oh, that felt confident and complete and safe. Okay. What did it feel like when I went by myself? Well, it felt a little unsafe that I was getting judged, that I was, you know, you move those feelings to line up with what it feels like when a partner is there, and then the partner can show up because you've stopped putting the demand that somebody else has to do these things for you.
Adrienne Maclain [00:35:13]:
Absolutely. Yeah. It's just a shift in perspective is what it really is. And everything you say is 100% accurate. I want to say I had an experience about a few months ago where my daughter was writing an essay. Okay. And I noticed that she misspelled the word responsibility. Now, I have always had a very fraught relationship with responsibility.
Adrienne Maclain [00:35:41]:
Right. It always smacked of, like, obligation and shoulds to me. But when she wrote it down, she wrote, response ability. Right? Ability. And I looked at it, and I went, response ability. The ability to respond to a situation that transformed the way that I look at responsibility. Like, do I want to be responsible? Hell, yeah, I want to be responsible. I want to be able to respond to any situation that comes up.
Adrienne Maclain [00:36:10]:
But even more than that, I want to be intention able. I want to be able to set the intention for an interaction. I want to be the one who sets the emotional climate control on every situation that I walk into. So, I'm walking in with the energy that I like. And if the other person wants to come and meet me there, great. We're going to vibe up there. It's going to be awesome. But if they don't want to meet me there, then they're just going to do their own thing and no harm, no foul, right? Because I already feel the way I want to feel.
Erica Bennett [00:36:41]:
Yeah. But it's so crucial because we show up in dating and we literally, you know, myself included, confession is that I'd show up at the date and be like, is this the one? That's what I'm feeling. Is this the one? Instead of, is this fun? Are we, do we vibe together? Is this somebody that I'd want to co-create with and, like, team up stuff with, but we show up with the wrong intention. And so, getting clear on your, you know, your desires, the great visualizing activity that we did looking at, you know, make your list. I do make, but I challenge you to make a list that is not set on, like, hair color and eye color. Right. How do you. How do you want to feel when you're in that relationship? Make the list.
Erica Bennett [00:37:25]:
I was laughing. I just found. I just found it again. The letter I wrote to myself before the last time I turned the dating app on. Now every time I've turned a dating app on, I've set an intention, then I turn it on. And every single time, in retrospect, I have gotten exactly what I intended in the moment. Right. It might have been really frustrating.
Erica Bennett [00:37:45]:
Like, the first time I turned it on, I was like, look, I've never explored the cities. I just want to have fun. I want somebody that we're going to go out and we're going to check out different places, and I'm going to explore new things and I'm going to, like, just have fun. Hands off. Have fun. So that's what I manifested. But then it was so fun, I went, I must keep this, and I strangled it. Right? And that was never.
Erica Bennett [00:38:08]:
And I fought it for a year trying to make it into something it wasn't right. Second one, got exactly what I wanted, and that was just, my heart's not ready, so let's just, you know, let's just get naked. That's what I got. Third one, I just found the letter. I, like, wrote a letter about how I wanted somebody who was so in his masculine and so independent and knew what he wanted and so that he didn't make me or ask me to show up in a certain way. Like, I was done being guilted into being something else. And I said, but he's also very clear on the benefits of partnership and what he wants. And, you know, then that walks in and you're, like, in the middle of somebody who's very independent, and you're kind of like, oh, can't you be a little more codependent? Like, can't.
Erica Bennett [00:38:49]:
But you get. You get your intention, you guys. So, writing that letter to yourself of, like, why are you even turn. Why do you even want a date? What are you looking for? Start to play that movie, the videos. What do you see? What are the. How do you feel when you're with this person and then when they're not around, if they were there, how would you feel differently and do the work to try and embody it as best you can?
Adrienne Maclain [00:39:13]:
Yeah, let's talk about that whole. The one thing for a minute.
Erica Bennett [00:39:17]:
Okay?
Adrienne Maclain [00:39:18]:
Right.
Erica Bennett [00:39:18]:
The one.
Adrienne Maclain [00:39:20]:
You are the one. I just need you to hear that right now. Everyone who's listening. You are the one. You are your own savior. You are your own hero. You are your own knight in shining armor. Whatever metaphor works best for you, okay? It's you, baby.
Adrienne Maclain [00:39:34]:
It's you. When you fall in love with someone, what you're falling in love with is yourself. You're falling in love with the you that you are with that person. You are falling in love with how it feels to be that person, with this person, okay? And so you can be that person already. You can fall in love with you. You don't have to wait for someone else to notice how lovable you are. That said, I know from personal experience how much easier it is when somebody else sees that version of you, okay? And acknowledges that and allows you to feel that feeling of being loved by someone for who you are. But you cannot have that experience of being loved for who you are if you don't already feel that you want to be who you are and start to fall in love with you.
Adrienne Maclain [00:40:36]:
So, if you don't know what your intention is in dating, how about I'm going to give you one right now? Okay, here's your intention. Your intention is to fall in love with you, fall in love with yourself. How fun falling in love with you from the perspective of many different people, right?
Erica Bennett [00:40:58]:
Because it is about figuring out who you are. And when you get to a place where you're like, I freaking love me, then the rest of the pieces can change. And that is a journey, and that is one date at a time and one, you know, stay in solo night at home at a time.
Adrienne Maclain [00:41:16]:
And that's one that's for me. At a time, right? When someone notices something about you and you feel good, that's for you. Okay? When you're out with someone and you feel more confident, that's for you. When you're out with someone and you feel gorgeous and sexy, that's for you, right? Notice the feelings and go, hey, yeah. This feeling that I have about myself right now, that's for me.
Erica Bennett [00:41:45]:
I love it. Well, thank you for joining me today, you guys. We do have a free gift for you for your listeners, listeners that are out there. Audrey Ann has kindly dated or dated. Not dating anybody yet, Audrey. And has kindly donated or offered up a free coaching for each of you guys. So, the link to schedule time to be inspired, to connect, and to be led into your true creative mastery and flow. The link is posted on thecrazyexwivesclub.com under episodes.
Erica Bennett [00:42:20]:
When you find today's episode, it's also in all of the little show descriptions. So whatever player you're listening in on, it's in there too. But grab a spot, get some time with her, because I'm telling you, I can guarantee you and I have the same teacher. I was like, I know, I know where we found all these. I mean, everything she said are those beliefs that led me through to the process that I am today. That being able to realize that I am the one for me and that when I become so confident in who I am and not from an ego-based place, but just of a, like, there's enough room for everybody. And I love me, and I feel like I'm in love because love is what I choose to allow to run through me, not the person or the relationship that I'm in, then the rest of the world can change around you. So, thank you, Audrey, and for joining us today.
Erica Bennett [00:43:14]:
It was such a fun conversation. And for you listeners, go grab your spot. Otherwise, we'll be back next week to talk more about dating. And that's it. Another great episode of the Crazy Ex Wives Club, a podcast for women learning how to heal from their divorce. Tune in next week for more advice and tips to help you figure out life after divorce. And until then, give yourself grace. Do the best you can and know that this is all part of the process.
