S4 E5: Stories from the Other Side with Lyndsay Hume
May 08, 2024
In this episode of "The Crazy Ex-Wives Club," host Erica Bennett dives deep with guest Lyndsay Hume into her transformative power of personal evolution after two significant divorces.
After years of adapting herself to suit her partners’ preferences, Lyndsay found herself on a transformative journey of self-discovery and reinvention. This episode delves into her enlightening experiences and the profound growth she underwent while overcoming the fear of the unknown and learning to trust her own desires again.
Throughout the discussion, host Erica Bennett and Lyndsay explore how pivotal moments of vulnerability and emotional honesty have reshaped their approach to relationships and self-understanding. They discuss strategies for managing emotions, setting boundaries without guilt, and ultimately, how to nurture a fulfilling life that aligns with one's true self after divorce.
Learn more about this week’s guest: Lyndsay Hume
Lyndsay Hume is a trained therapist turned certified Life and Empowerment Coach for women who know they have a purpose and want to make an impact in the world. She helps you embody your greatness so you can do what you are meant to do and live a life you love with ease.
Stories from the Other Side with Lyndsay Hume FULL TRANSCRIPTS
Erica Bennett [00:00:00]:
Hey, guys. Super excited to have another Stories From the Other Side with us. Today. We're going to look at not only Lyndsay's transformation around her own divorce process, but how it has sparked her into helping other women find their purpose, find their passion, and be able to really shift into what they want to do. Super excited to highlight our guest today. So let's get started.
Erica Bennett [00:00:26]:
Welcome to The Crazy Ex-Wives Club, a podcast dedicated to helping women navigate the emotional journey that is divorce. I'm your host, Erica. And if you're trying to figure out life after the big d, welcome to the club. Whether you're contemplating divorce or dealing with the aftermath or any of the many phases in between, the club has got you covered. Each week, you'll hear stories from women who have been in your shoes. This isn't about spilling tea and divorce details. This is about giving you the tools to take control of your own healing journey. Listen in weekly for advice, tips, and tools to help you move through each step stage of the process.
Erica Bennett [00:01:07]:
Hello, Lyndsay. How are you doing today?
Lyndsay Hume [00:01:09]:
Hi, Erica. I'm great. How are you?
Erica Bennett [00:01:11]:
Wonderful to have you on the call. Lindsay and I had recently met online through a mutual networking group. We reached out, had some phone chats, and realized pretty quickly that we're very like-minded and should be a great guest to bring forward. Thank you for joining us today to talk about your story. Tell us a little bit about you. So, you are a fellow divorced woman. You have made it through.
Erica Bennett [00:01:35]:
You've made it to the other side. Share a little bit about your story and kind of how you got here.
Lyndsay Hume [00:01:42]:
Sure. Well, I really had one official divorce, but I kind of count two in my life because the next one, I wasn't officially married, but it was five or six years. I would say the first one, I was just very young, got married very young. He was an alcoholic, and I did not realize that really. I mean, we started dating when I was 17, so I just thought I was dating the fun guy.
Erica Bennett [00:02:07]:
Yeah.
Lyndsay Hume [00:02:07]:
Turns out he wasn't so fun.
Erica Bennett [00:02:11]:
Maybe too much fun. Too much fun and too much drama all wrapped into one.
Lyndsay Hume [00:02:17]:
That's right. After seven years together, two years married, I decided it was time for me to exit. And that decision happened. I feel like it happened very fast in the moment. It was almost like a few days between kind of thinking about it and then actually taking the step. But, like, when I look back on it, it was really seven years of thoughtful exiting. It didn't happen overnight. And so, after that, I mean, I was young I was 24, 25 when that happened.
Lyndsay Hume [00:02:51]:
And to be honest with you, I don't think I was that capable yet. You know, I hadn't done a lot of things for myself, I'll be totally honest. I hadn't ever pumped a tank of gas, for example. You know, I hadn't ever had to care for a household on my own. There were just certain tasks I had never done. And so, I found myself kind of feeling, like, fearful isn't the right word, but kind of like, what am I going to do? How am I going to figure this stuff out? But the thing that I noticed when I look back is that I really made a conscious decision to become somebody different. Just a conscious decision to say, what do I want from my life? Who do I want to be? And then I just kind of got to work more subconsciously at that time. Like I said, now looking back, it's all kind of very clear to me.
Lyndsay Hume [00:03:41]:
And I can see I followed the same process, if you will, in my second divorce of making very conscious decisions to reinvent myself, basically, and to say, this is an opportunity for me to live exactly how I want. And so, while, of course, there was, like, grief and loss and all of those things that I had to experience, there was, like, excitement and a kind of like, ooh, what could I have? What could I create?
Erica Bennett [00:04:09]:
We can all resonate with that. The fear of the unknown. You know, you don't know what you don't know, and you don't know how you're going to get through it. Or, like, you know, what you shared is like, you'd never filled your own gas tank. There were a lot of things you hadn't had to do yet. You know, even I think about my own marriage, there were those first years where it's just fun, right? You don't have a lot of responsibility. You don't own a house yet. We were in our mid-twenties and in college and just fun.
Erica Bennett [00:04:32]:
And it isn't until that shift comes where all of a sudden, it's like, oh, now we have to adult. Now we have to, like, really decide, are we aligned on the same things? Do we want the same thing? How do we do them? And I love that you were able to stay in the curious phase instead of the painful phase. That's the biggest lesson of it, is a choice when you make these big life shifts. And some of you might be like, it wasn't a choice. He cheated. He did something. He caused the trigger that started the downfall.
Erica Bennett [00:05:07]:
I get that. And in every single moment, you have the choice of how do you want to see it? Do you want to see it as something that's moving you forward? And in the moment, you probably don't know in the moment, you're just trying to get through. You're just trying to figure it out. So how did that learning then help you move through that process again? How did you take the learning? Because I saw that repetition, too, after my divorce and the first person I dated afterwards and being able to, like, oh, I've been here before, I can move through this again.
Lyndsay Hume [00:05:38]:
Yeah, it was that idea of, like, I've been here before. Both times, I really was starting from scratch. I'm kind of like a burn everything down kind of person and start over. And I'm not saying that's for everybody, but for me, it just seemed to be what I needed each time. And when I say that, I mean, like, friend groups were left behind, whatever area of the city I was living in was left behind. Like, I literally just would burn everything down and start over. Now, would I do that again? Probably not, because what I've learned through that process is the reason I had to burn it down was because I was never really creating something that was mine. I was always looking to my partner, who I was with, to determine what it is I liked and what it is that I wanted.
Lyndsay Hume [00:06:26]:
And sure, some of that stuff I still enjoy, right. Some of the things that I picked up or decided that I liked while I was with these two individuals, I still enjoy. But a lot of the friends that I made, a lot of the hobbies that I took part in, all those types of things were theirs.
Erica Bennett [00:06:44]:
Yeah. And I love that because, I mean, how many times do we reinvent ourselves? And I think that for a lot of us, and I watch a lot of other women go through it, too. You know, you find somebody, and you say, okay, the conditions are the passions in their life. Can I see myself in them? And you try and make your puzzle piece fit their world, because the more your puzzle piece fits, the more that then you know it's going to work and it's going to stay. But in that process, you skip figuring out who you are and what you like. And to me, that is the most beautiful part about, you know, phase two of once you get divorced. The whole thing is just, what do you want? Who do you want to be? How do you want to show up? Do you like the things you were doing before? And for me, I went back. Everything I said no to, I committed to retrying because I was like, I don't even know if I really liked it or didn't like it.
Erica Bennett [00:07:36]:
I just know that I wasn't open to trying it at that point.
Lyndsay Hume [00:07:40]:
Yeah. And I think for me, it took two times, right, two major relationships ending for me to not only be able to transform myself, I, of course, did that twice. But what was key the second time was that I was able to maintain it. I did it in a way the second time around that was, like, very true to me. And then I was able to attract somebody that was capable of handling that. Right. Capable of me coming in and saying, this is who I am, this is what I love. These are the things I want in my life.
Lyndsay Hume [00:08:13]:
These are the things that I don't. These are my friends. Take them or leave them, but I keep them. Do you know what I mean? Like, they're mine. And if you don't want to share them, that's fine. If you do, that's also fine. But it was kind of like, it was a different energy that I went into that other relationship with, and that attracted the type of person that's like, you be you. That's what's going to make us work, right? You be you.
Lyndsay Hume [00:08:34]:
I want you to have your friends. I want to know what you like and don't like. And, you know, we'll find things that work for the both of us, and we're going to spend time apart doing the things that, you know, we don't enjoy together. And so, I'm not. I mean, knock on wood somewhere, this one is going to last, right? But in the event that it didn't, I'm not going to have to burn anything down. Like, everything is going to stay solid around me. And sure, there's probably going to be some type of transformation or reinvention that I would go through if that happened, but it's definitely not going to be like the previous two because I got so solid in what I wanted and knowing that that was okay, like, believing that I could just be me and someone would love me for all of it.
Erica Bennett [00:09:16]:
Did you find once you found this relationship where you, prior to meeting this person, you finally found you, right? You loved what you created, you had your friendship groups, your rituals, your habits. You were you, and in comes this person. Did you struggle with staying committed to the you and not picking up some of those old habits about putting aside some of the pieces you had found and catching yourself merging almost too much into the relationship again?
Lyndsay Hume [00:09:46]:
I would say there were some things that I let go of that I was okay with. And I'm still okay when I look back. So, like, one small example is, like, every Wednesday, I'd get together with my girlfriends for wine. Wednesday. Well, at some point, that stopped being every Wednesday just because I was. Now, this is my person, and this is my priority, and we have a home together, and we were starting a life and all of these things, right? Some of those things, yes. They slowly, like, you start to shift your schedule and try to integrate each other more into your lives. And that I'm still okay with.
Lyndsay Hume [00:10:20]:
I will say there was one thing that I -- one thing and one thing only that I took on with my now husband that I finally came out with. It was probably, like, about a year ago, and that was football. And it might be now because I'm a mom and I've got a toddler and I run a business, and I just don't have the amount of free time that I had. So anytime that I have, I just don't. I don't want to watch it. I want to do this. We used to do football Sundays every weekend at our house.
Lyndsay Hume [00:10:49]:
And, like, everything was around football. And when the game was. And we love hockey, too, and I still love hockey. That wasn't a lie, but the football was a bit of a lie. A football was a bit of like, yeah, I'll do this because I'm young and it's fun and we've got our friends over and we're drinking and we're doing all these things. But eventually I was like, I actually really don't like this. I really don't like it. And that was hard for me.
Lyndsay Hume [00:11:10]:
And it was kind of a shock to my husband where I was like, I know this might be a lot, but, like, I don't actually like football. I actually want to probably shoot myself in the head when I watch it. And I'm not going to partake in football Sunday anymore. Is that okay? So that was the one thing where I was like, oh, I've done it again. It was a little bit of that, like, kick myself. But, you know, what we're doing is we are trying to be. We want to compromise. Right.
Lyndsay Hume [00:11:35]:
And we want to be open.
Erica Bennett [00:11:37]:
Yeah.
Lyndsay Hume [00:11:38]:
Right. To try new things. And I wanted to spend time with him. When we were young and didn't have a child and, you know, a lot of responsibility, it was fun, to be honest, to go to the bar and watch football all Sunday. But there just came a point where I did have to be honest and that. It sounds so trivial, but it wasn't an easy conversation. Like, he was just genuinely disappointed. I'm like, ugh, you've never.
Lyndsay Hume [00:11:59]:
You have. You've not been enjoying it all this time. And I'm like, well, it's okay. Like, so, yeah. But for the most part, I just think there is. There's going to be some stuff that when you partner with somebody and you really decide that you're going to have a life together, that you are going to give on. Right. That you may not, you know, do the things that you loved your hobbies as often, but that comes with parenthood, too.
Lyndsay Hume [00:12:24]:
I mean, that comes with a lot of different life transitions. I think as long as you're not doing it because of the other person was saying, I don't want you to do that, or I don't enjoy it, or I'm not going to do it with you, then I think it's okay to have some compromise.
Erica Bennett [00:12:41]:
Yeah, I'm totally in the boat right now with the same boat with football because there's so many things that I'm trying to roll out and expand and do that all of a sudden, the idea of sitting in ours is still in the bar, you know, and watching football all day. I'm like, I got shit to get done. This is not what I'm going to do. And I feel you on that because, yeah, it was when I had nothing to do, it was fun. When you have nothing but free time, there are lots of things that fill your cup, you know, like, hey, this is good because I liked hanging out with you and I liked being out, and it was fun not to have to cook or clean on a Sunday. But then as more and more things come into the picture that demand your time, some of those things shift.
Erica Bennett [00:13:22]:
And I think that's so important for anybody else who's getting to that phase, right, where they're like, hey, I'm ready to start dating, or I am dating, but I'm finding myself losing me again. It's totally normal. It's a process of like, hey, this is fun right now. Do you want to keep it? Or was it just for a little bit and being able to have that conversation? Hats off to you for bringing it up instead of just continuing to do it, right or getting crabby about it or being show.
Lyndsay Hume [00:13:50]:
And I was getting crabby about it, right and he could tell.
Lyndsay Hume [00:13:53]:
Like, you know, and so it wasn't good for anybody. So. And I will say, when I met him, I was very clear, not necessarily with him, but in my own mind about the things that I liked and didn't like. And I was very clear about the type of person, and I know people are going to just think I'm insane when they listen to this, like, right down to the type of, like, kind of look I wanted him to have or, like, the clothing I wanted him to wear. And I remember telling my friends about this, like, list. I was like, you know, forget that. He needs to be kind and funny. Like, whatever.
Lyndsay Hume [00:14:25]:
Those are clearly obvious. Everybody wants someone kind and funny. I want someone that, you know, loves hockey and, you know, he wears plaid shirts and cowboy boots. And my friends were like, you're. And he has to hate camping because I hate camping, and I will not do that. And they're like, you are not going to find a man in Canada that dresses like this, loves hockey, but doesn't camp. I found him, ladies, because I was so focused on what it was I wanted in this next chapter of my life.
Lyndsay Hume [00:14:53]:
And again, that's not going to be for everybody. I'm not saying you've got to go out, make this specific list, but it was like, I manifested that. Like, I was so clear with the universe about what I wanted, and he was offered to me. It works so well because I was so clear in the beginning, and I was so true to myself and honest about what I wanted. And even if that sounded insane to anybody else, I was willing to stick it out until I found that person.
Erica Bennett [00:15:21]:
I think there's, like, two things I want to dig into with this is, one, how do you become so clear and so steady in who you are and what you want? And two, I do think you guys should go make a list. You know, every time I turned my dating app back on, prior to turning it on, I would set an intention, and it wasn't like, oh, big ritual, and I'm going to sit down and I'm going to light some candles and magic manifest a man into my life. That wasn't it. But I just was like, what do I want out of this experience right now? And that really is. It's that same thing. You know, the first time I turned on, I wanted fun. I hadn't really explored the cities. I wanted somebody who we were going to go exploring and we were going to check out new things.
Erica Bennett [00:16:01]:
I wanted to revisit camping and snowboarding and breweries, and there were all these things that I wanted to go do. And what I didn't put on my list is I wanted somebody who wanted a relationship. I wanted partnership. And so, as each time I turned that app back on and put in another, like, request to the universe of, I got clarity. I know a little bit more this time. Yes. I want somebody who's fun and outgoing and wants to go do things. And I want somebody who really wants a relationship, who's ready to do the work in a relationship, who's committed but independent.
Erica Bennett [00:16:33]:
You guys get a notebook and just continue to add to your list. What is it? What is it that's important? And every time you go out on a date, you might realize something that you didn't like. Flip that. Right? Like, ooh, this guy was in the camping. I want somebody who doesn't like camping. What is it that you want out of it? Because that's all that it is. Every date, every experience, every meeting somebody is an opportunity to get clearer on what you do want, because they all exist. They are all out there.
Erica Bennett [00:17:01]:
It just really depends on how clear you are to launch your wishes out there before you let somebody in. So that leads me back to the first question. How did you stay so committed? Because I think that's hard, right? Especially once you've experienced loss, you know, you find yourself when you're single again. Like, I found myself when I was single. I fell in love with my life. I knew that I just was happy on my own. I didn't need anybody to complete me anymore. And yet, when that relationship showed up, I had those moments of doubt.
Erica Bennett [00:17:31]:
Right? I had those moments of fear, of really trusting my heart again, of being able to be there and not giving up on what I needed. I sacrificed my fitness four days a week, and now I'm bringing it back in. What tips do you have for the other ladies out there about to start dating? Like, how do you stay committed and true to who you want to be?
Lyndsay Hume [00:17:51]:
That's such a good question, to be honest with you. Like, between the two relationships, which, you know, we don't have to get into, but they were not good. The second one, after my first divorce, resulted in basically a full nervous system collapse. So, I mean, I was not in good situations. I think by the time I got through the three or four years that I spent on my own, I was like, I'm so done. Like, I literally have no space for flexibility in me. And as I met my husband and spent more time with him, of course I flexed, like I said, but it was easy for me to stay committed because I was like, ain't no one gonna F with me again. Like, this is so done.
Lyndsay Hume [00:18:34]:
I will never let somebody be at a higher level in the relationship than me. There will never be a power struggle. I will never want this person more than they want me. I was just so. I mean, I had injured myself, literally my health and everything by giving so much that there was no option for me. I know that's not great for everybody because that's your situation is not going to be so severe. But I do want people to know that by putting yourself in situations that are not aligned to who you are, by being in relationships where you are sacrificing some part of yourself or over committing when they, you know, are under committed any of these things, when you're not being treated the way you want to be treated, you can do serious damage to your health. You know. Mine, I'm still recovering.
Lyndsay Hume [00:19:26]:
It's over a decade nervous system. When you do damage to that part of your body, it's the longest part to heal. And that's what we're doing when we put ourselves in this fight flight, like these relationships that are up and down and back and forth and where you feel kind of tense. I will just say that notice when you're feeling that way because it can happen faster than you think, where your physical health cannot keep up.
Erica Bennett [00:19:52]:
Yeah, well, I think because we look the other way, it's scary to go somewhere unknown. Maybe it'll get better. Maybe I can just ignore it. Maybe I can continue to sacrifice. I can take on more in the hopes that this thing is going to stay. But it comes down to exactly what you said. Boundaries are not about demanding somebody else do something different. They're about you doing something different.
Erica Bennett [00:20:12]:
If you want to be treated different, like, yes, speak your needs, clarify what you're looking for. Come at it from a place of being grounded. You know, like, hey, I know that I'm a quality time love language. I need time together in the same room. I don't care if we run errands together. I am cool. I like that because we're together. I know I need that.
Erica Bennett [00:20:32]:
If I have somebody who really doesn't want to spend time together, that's going to be an issue. I'm not going to try and change him anymore. I'm going to change where I'm spending my time and go somewhere with somebody who understands that.
Lyndsay Hume [00:20:43]:
That can sound really harsh to a lot of people, and I get that. But I will say, and even my husband knows, I'm like, I don't nag anymore. I don't argue. I don't do any of that because I just know I'll be good if I need to part ways. Right. It's kind of like I just let you be you. Of course, there, you know, there's been maybe two times in our whole ten-year relationship where I've had to say, like, I don't quote unquote like this, or this isn't a way I'm going to live my life. And I've been lucky where he's just said, okay, and then I've never had to address it again and vice versa.
Lyndsay Hume [00:21:16]:
But I'm okay with saying that. And not from a place of, like, threatening or anger, just from a true place of love for myself and for him, of, like, this isn't going to work for me. And if it doesn't work for you, this request, that's okay. But it just means I might go, that's it. And I think that happens when you look back and you're like, I can trust myself. Look at all that I've done. Look at all that I've been through and the way that I came out of a divorce and rebuilt my life. I am okay.
Lyndsay Hume [00:21:49]:
This person is not my security. I'm my security. If I know that I'm my security, then I get to be honest without any fear. And always from a place of love. It just, like, I can feel it now. Like, there would just be no anger. I would just be like, that doesn't really work for me. What do you think? Yeah.
Erica Bennett [00:22:08]:
And it doesn't. You guys, we're not saying, like, you just put up with shit. That is not what we're saying. But for me, it is that I know that I can meet all of my own needs. Is it more fun to meet it with a partner? Yes, absolutely. But I don't expect my partner to be the one who delivers the things that make me happy. And if I'm not happy, it's my job to fix it. When I'm in a funk and I have found myself as we've gone through phases too, you know, he was traveling, I became needier.
Erica Bennett [00:22:37]:
What happened? I become needier. He's pulling away because he's super independent. He's like, God, she just needs to cuddle all the time and all. And then I get needy er, er, er on top of it. Right? And what I realize is it's because I was expecting him. I wasn't happy. I needed him to come in and make me happy instead of doing the work. You know, when I was single, if I was unhappy, I was the one that fixed it.
Erica Bennett [00:23:00]:
I was the one that was like, you know what? What do you want to do instead? You want to go for a walk, you want to do a bubble bath, you want to, like, watch a funny movie, but you get in partnership, and you create this thing where you think their job is to make sure that you always stay happy. And so, you know, being able to just be like, hey, you love you for you. You do you. But I need to go do me for a little bit so that I can come back, and we can meet back up in that safe, secure space.
Lyndsay Hume [00:23:24]:
Yeah. And it's kind of like that simple example of football. It's like, you know what? I know you love it. I'm not going to ask you to stop. I'm not going to ask you not to have football Sunday. Just not going to be here.
Erica Bennett [00:23:35]:
Right?
Lyndsay Hume [00:23:36]:
Like, I'm just going to go do my own thing.
Erica Bennett [00:23:38]:
I do understand. Because my partner picked up a Thursday night soccer league. Soccer is his jam. That's his stress relief. He usually plays three, four days a week, and it has been for two years Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, which are the days I'm with my son at my house. He picked up a Thursday night, one, which is always our first night of the week. Right? We have. We always have set dinner plans and what we do, and I just, he's like, well, do you want me to not do it? And I'm like, well, I'm never going to tell you that.
Erica Bennett [00:24:03]:
I'm going to say, hey, that was our night. We just need to find a new night because I don't want to lose out. That quality time was important to me. I looked forward to it all week for us to have that night. I will never tell you not to go do something that fills you up, but I am going to say, can we figure out a new alternative? Because I don't want to lose out on my time, the thing that I love for you to get the thing that you love. So how do we rework this and come up with a new solution? Yeah, I love that. Hey, there, it's Erica, your guide at The Crazy Ex-Wives Club.
Erica Bennett [00:24:39]:
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Erica Bennett [00:25:32]:
Well, let's talk a little bit, because not only did you learn and transform and grow yourself, and thank you for sharing all of your wisdom around, you know, re-partnering, because a lot of people just turn bitter, right? They close their hearts down. Never doing partnership again, never getting married again. I remember when I was in the process of divorce and in the corporate office, the ladies were all like, if I got divorced, never again, not doing it. I'm like, I get that. But there is something fun about co creating and sharing things with somebody else. But now you help other women find that purpose, that sense of purpose, and make some of these transformations. Tell us a little bit about that, like what work have you been called into doing and how are you helping other women?
Lyndsay Hume [00:26:17]:
A quick comment about last thing you said, because I think it's important, I just want to say, and I had to practice this when I was with my now husband, too. You talked about being bitter and just shutting down. There was a bit of that in me, right? There was like, you can hear it when I say, I just don't have time for anything. I'm not going to put up with anything. I thought I was just really protecting my boundaries. But when you're in a committed relationship, this is what I've learned and this is what I would stress, is that before jumping to a boundary, there's a place that's missed. When you have something that occurs in the relationship that you don't like, and you throw down a boundary and the thing that's missed is vulnerability. And that's the place I had to work on. In the middle, I realized there was something that happened and I would just throw out a boundary.
Lyndsay Hume [00:27:02]:
I've had to work at this, but it's been so worth it is that something happens that I don't like. And before throwing down the boundary, I get vulnerable. I say, this really upset me. This really hurt me. I felt really sad. I felt like I missed you. I felt like. Like saying the real thing rather than just throwing down the boundary as a form of protection. Like, throwing the wall up, almost like there is a difference.
Lyndsay Hume [00:27:26]:
Right. You have to be careful not to just throw out the boundaries as a way to just keep yourself safe.
Erica Bennett [00:27:30]:
Cause it literally throws a wall up.
Lyndsay Hume [00:27:32]:
Between the two of you. There is a moment there for you to choose to be vulnerable and have a conversation before the, like, really severe boundary comes down. Yeah, like. Cause that was a thing that I did in the beginning, right. Just severe boundaries that were always something I was gonna do, but I now try to go more to, like, how can I be vulnerable before I share a boundary?
Erica Bennett [00:27:55]:
Yeah, I've got goosebumps. So, like, the vulnerability piece is so huge. It's the key that enables you to finally move back into love. And it's scary as fuck because you have been so. Yeah, because you've been so hurt. Because you have been so hurt, so broken, so crushed that, you know, you think, like, I thought that I was really open to it, and it wasn't until a relationship showed up that actually had the legs to go the distance that it scared the shit out of me.
Lyndsay Hume [00:28:26]:
Yeah.
Erica Bennett [00:28:26]:
And I can't tell you how many times my ego side, the protective mechanism would pop up and try and talk me into running. Yeah, you should run. He can't. This might not work. You better be the one that leaves first this time. Each time I'd have to sit in it, and I'd be like, hold on a second.
Erica Bennett [00:28:44]:
Like, what's going on? What are you worried about? Is it really true? You know, a lot of times when I hear those voices in my head, the fear based negative that feel like they're there to protect you, the question is, but is that really true? Yeah, I really know that that's going to happen. But it's a constant practice and a constant work to be able to be vulnerable. It feels uncomfortable. Even in a loving relationship, you know, like, with your kids or with your parents or with your siblings. Like, outside of love relationships, it feels awkward. But that's where the magic happens. That's where the true growth happens. And that's the only place, like, if you don't get vulnerable, you won't really ever figure out what you do want, what you need, because you'll constantly be in a state of running away. The moment something irritates you, the moment something, like, causes you to think that you could get hurt.
Lyndsay Hume [00:29:35]:
Yeah, totally.
Erica Bennett [00:29:36]:
It's a big one. It is the hard work, you guys. But it's worth it because if you can get there little by little.
Lyndsay Hume [00:29:43]:
I feel like it's my word of the year. Every year that I'm working on, I'm like, ah, vulnerability again because I didn't do it last year.
Erica Bennett [00:29:49]:
Like, do a little more. Your little window gets a little bigger every time. Every time. Yeah. I've recently had some weird visual journey. Not weird, I love them, though. But I have very lucid dreams. Very lucid dreams or, and very, like, vivid guided meditation practices.
Erica Bennett [00:30:06]:
And that's what it was like. I could feel literally the armor that I was still carrying and wearing on my front and backside right around my heart. And being able to, like, explode that off and move through it was a huge step into the unknown because you're about to really trust your heart and move things forward. So. Yeah. How do you help your women trust their heart? Because that's a big, I mean, I think divorced or not divorced, we all reach a certain part in our life where we're like, what the heck is my purpose? And how do I figure it out and connect to it?
Lyndsay Hume [00:30:43]:
Yeah. Okay. I guess what I'll say is a lot of women that come to me, they do already have an idea of what their purpose is. Well, I'll say this much about purpose, and it's linked, I believe, to desire. Whatever it is, and I always joke with women too, right? It's like, okay, not every desire is good. Like, if you have a desire to go, like, snort a line of cocaine, you might want to reconsider that, right?
Lyndsay Hume [00:31:14]:
When I say desire, just like, know that there's some restrictions behind that, right? But when you have in your heart something that you really want to do, whether it be something you want to do with work or maybe it's got to do with your personal life, your love life, you want to travel more, you want to meet a partner, you want to own your own business. Like, whatever it is, if there's a strong desire, I personally believe that's just a promise from God of what we were capable of, right? Like, we don't get these desires. Like, I don't have a desire to help women and to coach women because it's silly or it's self-indulgent or, you know, like, that desire is not planted in me as a way to taunt me, right? There is a promise of what I'm capable of and then I take that a step further to say not only what you're capable of, but what you're responsible for doing. It's being kind of brave enough to really look deep and say, what is it that I really want? We all know, right? It's just a matter of, like, are you willing to be really honest about it? Here's why women are afraid to be honest, because it probably is something different than what you're doing now. And it will. It makes us feel like we're saying, I don't love my life, or if I want something different, that means I don't like what I have. And I like to say we can hold two beliefs at the same time.
Lyndsay Hume [00:32:42]:
Right. I loved so much of my life before I became a coach. It wasn't that I didn't love my husband and love where we live and all of these things, but I certainly didn't love the work I was doing, and I certainly had a calling to do something different. What happened for me in that moment, and what happens for a lot of women is we tell ourselves; I should be happy. I should be happy. My life is so good.
Lyndsay Hume [00:33:09]:
Or I have so many things to be thankful for. We shut that desire down that way, too. It's really like you already know what you want. There is just a lot of layers for some of us to uncover it, because we're just trying to push it down so much. So, you know, what you really desire. It is a promise that you'll be capable of doing it. And you already have everything you need to do that. And three, it's your responsibility. This is your work.
Lyndsay Hume [00:33:34]:
That's what you were purposed to do.
Erica Bennett [00:33:37]:
Yeah.
Lyndsay Hume [00:33:37]:
So that's the first place I start, is just having that conversation that you need to believe all that and really feel it, and then we can move forward. And before that part really happens, there's not a lot of work that we do together. Right. But that's the first step.
Erica Bennett [00:33:52]:
Yeah. I do think it's super important to follow your desires, not the illegal ones that could cause death.
Lyndsay Hume [00:33:59]:
Yeah.
Erica Bennett [00:34:00]:
But we're so disconnected from our desires because as women, we have had to turn them off to be able to get done what needs to be done, you know, where we carry the responsibility, we carry the burden, and so then we don't tap into, which is really the heart of the feminine essence, just pure desire, like childlike desire of, oh, my God, now I want to go have hot chocolate.
Lyndsay Hume [00:34:27]:
Yeah.
Erica Bennett [00:34:27]:
Now I want to go run through the field of wildflowers, right. Like that innocence that we see in kids of, like, in the moment desire, they want to act on it. We have turned it off because we've had to do the things and we've had to get the stuff done right. And everything else comes first over what we truly need. And a lot of times, I mean, I've just asked people, what do you desire to do next? And they don't know. And they honestly, you know, yes, they, you know, they want to get somewhere. Yes. They want to do something different.
Erica Bennett [00:34:59]:
But it's so often, like you're saying, before they can figure out what they want to do, they're going to know what they don't like. They're going to know what's not working for them. But they're not getting clear on what that truly means they do want. And until you know what you do want, you can't move forward. And I would say, too, like, for me, there is a level of fear, right. I know what I want. Yeah.
Erica Bennett [00:35:19]:
Right. Does that mean that I'm not good enough? Does that mean I'm not worthy enough? Right. And being able to set those things aside and chase your dreams and desires is so important.
Lyndsay Hume [00:35:29]:
The first thing is just trusting that the desire is a promise again, that you will be capable and that it's your responsibility to move forward. The fear is just a natural response of the brain that was designed to keep you safe. And I'm sure there's so many women that have heard this and there's maybe women that haven't. I just always like to share it. We are designed with a brain that was just meant to keep us alive. And thankfully, it hasn't evolved with the modern times because we still need to know when there's danger.
Lyndsay Hume [00:36:05]:
But for the most part, we are very safe. Right, in the modern world. I know that's going to sound crazy to some people, right. But, like, we're actually very safe.
Erica Bennett [00:36:14]:
Well, there's no saber-toothed tigers walking down the street.
Lyndsay Hume [00:36:17]:
Right. And we have clothing, and we don't have to hunt for food and all of these things.
Erica Bennett [00:36:21]:
Right.
Lyndsay Hume [00:36:21]:
Yes. From a social perspective, we need other people, but we actually don't need a tribe anymore. Right. We can live by ourselves in a home and function and survive. The brain just doesn't understand that when you have this idea to go do something new, right. Something that you desire but that you've never done before, it only sees possible death.
Erica Bennett [00:36:42]:
Yeah, it's scary.
Lyndsay Hume [00:36:44]:
Something new, something that we haven't done before is dangerous, and we should stay in the cave, and we should not do that thing. We know what's going on right here, right now. This is where we need to stay. What happens is we personalize that brain, so we make it mean something about us. We're like, well, I'm just too afraid, or I just don't have the courage, or I don't know what to do. I don't have the skills. And that's the thing that I like to break, the personalization. It's like, we don't talk about fear and self-doubt, confusion, all of those words, those don't belong to us.
Lyndsay Hume [00:37:20]:
Actually, the real, true, authentic self doesn't experience any of those and. And would die, right? Like, if you just let my authentic self be itself, I would die. Because if you remove that fear-based brain, obviously, you're not going to get any trigger to when there is an actual risk. We want to be thankful for it, but we don't want to personalize it. And that's the first step, is learning how to recognize when it's your primitive brain that's kicking in and when it's your authentic self. And I'm telling you, your authentic self never has any fear or doubt in what you're going to do. She knows what her purpose is. She knows how to go and do it.
Lyndsay Hume [00:37:56]:
She knows she's capable. And you can tap into that. It's possible. And then everything else in front of us, every other obstacle, is just a strategy. It's just a plan that we need to come up with of how we are going to. Okay, there's certain knowledge you need. Where are you going to get that? There's certain support you need. Where are we going to get that? You need some money.
Lyndsay Hume [00:38:17]:
How are we going to make it? Everything else is just a strategy. But the biggest thing that you have to do is work on recognizing your primitive brain. And the second step is knowing how to experience the full range of human emotion and teaching your nervous system that it is all safe so that you know that humiliation and failure and rejection and even on the positive side, so many women, we have a hard time with getting compliments or actually like succeeding and winning at something that's very difficult for us to experience. I help women teach their actual body, their nervous system, how to hold those feelings in safety. And that's the key to being able to step out and do what you were meant to do.
Erica Bennett [00:39:02]:
Yeah. Mic drop, right I mean, what a note. What a note. I don't know how we wrap up anything else around that. Before we close out this podcast, you guys literally just rewind for five minutes and listen to that again. But step one, figure out if it's that reptilian brain, if it's the fight or flight, the freeze, the fawn, and you'll know it because it's negative. And the other thing, too, is a lot of times it talks about you in, like, I can hear it in my mind being like, Erica, you can't do that. But when I'm tuned into me, I just feel it.
Erica Bennett [00:39:33]:
It doesn't have a voice; it doesn't have a name associated with it. But when I hear something that is led by fear, that is trying to keep me small, that feels like tension in the body, then I know it's coming from that reptilian brain. This is the sensor system from the day humans were created that was built in to keep us safe, and it did a really great job. We were just in a modern society where we are inundated with fear all day long. It's on hyperdrive. The button is being pushed all the time instead of once a week when the saber-toothed tiger was in the area. We are now wired to pick up on it constantly.
Erica Bennett [00:40:15]:
It's in your marketing. I mean, good lord. Since 2020, everything on the news has been fear based. It's in overdrive. Tune in. Is it fear based? Is it trying to keep me small? Does it feel growth in my body? That's your first clue. This is reptilian brain. This is old brain. This is an automatic system trying to keep me safe.
Lyndsay Hume [00:40:37]:
Yeah.
Erica Bennett [00:40:37]:
Step two, swing into “Okay, I am safe right now.” I like to do pick five things. Look around you and use your five senses and label five things. Things you see, things you smell, things you hear, get really grounded and rooted in the present. Like, hey, I'm safe. I see the light, I see the floor, I feel the cushion that I'm sitting on, right? And then you can start to be like, so what is the true desire? What is it that you want?
Lyndsay Hume [00:41:03]:
And you have to actually process the emotions. It's like, okay, what is this that I'm feeling? And describe it in your body. Right? It's like, I feel flush in my cheeks, I feel sore in my stomach. I feel tight in my chest.
Lyndsay Hume [00:41:17]:
And you just sit there, and you experience that. And this is what I do with my women, right? I walk you through this process, right, on our coaching calls, and then it's like, okay, what is this emotion? It's like, what's shame? It's embarrassment, whatever it is. And you say, okay, so this is shame. You get hot in your cheeks, right? You get tight in your chest. Just feel it. And we sit and we feel it for a bit, and then it's like, okay, so it's not true that you can experience shame. You just did it with me. You can experience it.
Lyndsay Hume [00:41:46]:
You're still here. You're safe. And if you might experience it again, right, but this is all it is. It's you getting flush in the cheeks, tight in the chest, right? This is shame. And you just start to identify it and teach your nervous system. And it's like, oh, if I can experience shame, then that means whatever I need to do, whatever steps I need to take towards what I desire, if it's possible that I could experience shame, I've got that. Okay. I've experienced that.
Lyndsay Hume [00:42:13]:
I know what that's like. I can do that again.
Erica Bennett [00:42:15]:
Yeah, exactly. Because your nervous system, you guys, it gets triggered by that little spot in our brain, but it is all the senses that then kick into overdrive, and it feels so real in the moment. It feels so real. Like, I can tell you that the ding on the phone still feels like cheating. Phone dings on my mom's phone, and I'm like, good lord, it's my mom. My dad has passed. My mom spends most of her days at the YMCA silver sneaker crew. There's not a cheating going on, but it causes the same nervous system reaction.
Erica Bennett [00:42:52]:
Right. And then I just have to choose. Oh, that feels like this. I'm feeling this in my body that's triggering this emotion, but that's not true. I'm safe. I'm here. That's the past.
Lyndsay Hume [00:43:03]:
Yeah.
Erica Bennett [00:43:04]:
Being able to walk that path, rewiring that nervous system so that you can tap into what you want. Because when you tap into what you want, you get to have the life you want to have.
Lyndsay Hume [00:43:14]:
Yes.
Erica Bennett [00:43:14]:
Lindsay is living proof.
Lyndsay Hume [00:43:16]:
And I will say one thing really quick, because I know. I know we're coming to time, but it's. You also need to practice staying in “Everything is working for me” Energy.
Erica Bennett [00:43:28]:
Beautiful. Yes.
Lyndsay Hume [00:43:29]:
So how is everything always working for me? Right. And you can even do this with things that are not related to your goal. You know, just start practicing. How is it working for me? I've got air conditioning. Oh, I've got a cup of coffee, you know. Oh, I've got access to. To water if I need it. Right now.
Lyndsay Hume [00:43:48]:
My computers are working, my lights are on, my Internet's going. Like, you can just start to list off stuff. Just practice getting the brain noticing how everything's working for you at all times. Truly believe that it is all always working for you. And that if something happens that you weren't expecting or it didn't go as you planned, that it just means God has something better in mind for you. And it's just that trust again, or the unit, whatever it is for you, the universe, right? Your source. There is something better. There is a reason for this happening.
Lyndsay Hume [00:44:21]:
It is all working just as it should.
Erica Bennett [00:44:24]:
Yeah. And if you guys are in the middle of your divorce, you probably can't feel that yet. So then think about when it has worked out. Have you ever not got the job that you thought you were going to get?
Lyndsay Hume [00:44:32]:
Yeah, do that.
Erica Bennett [00:44:33]:
Like I think about the best example is buying a house. Rarely does somebody get the first house that they put in offerings, right? And you get so upset about, oh, it's really the one I wanted. But when you finally find the house that you get the offer in on.
Lyndsay Hume [00:44:46]:
And you're like, goodness, that one didn't work, right.
Erica Bennett [00:44:49]:
It is always working out for you. When we can stop trying to control the world, right, the universe, the God, the whatever, there is a greater plan out there, but we get to have fun along the way. Yes, you get to create it, yes, you get to change it. But you don't have to be the biggest power making all of it happen. Give yourself a little grace. Trust that things are working out for you. When that fear pops up, know that you can do the hard things, that you can get through these things, and that it will pass. So, until next week, thank you guys for tuning in.
Erica Bennett [00:45:23]:
Take care, and we'll talk to you all soon.
Erica Bennett [00:45:28]:
And that's it. Another great episode of the Crazy Ex Wives club, a podcast for women learning how to heal from their divorce. Tune in next week for more advice and tips to help you figure out life after divorce. And until then, give yourself grace. Do the best you can and know that this is all part of the process.
