S4, Ep 2: Healing Your Heart with The Heart Whisperer
Apr 17, 2024
In this heartwarming episode of "The Crazy Ex-Wives Club," host Erica Bennett and The Heart Whisperer, Robin Johnson, delve into the power of how to heal your heart. They discuss experiences of heartache, the challenge of staying open to love, and the impact of trauma on emotional health.
This episode navigates the art of acknowledging emotions, self-discovery, and the pursuit of authenticity. Tune in for insightful conversations on building emotional resilience, embracing self-love, and finding clarity on the path to new relationships.
Join us as we learn to give ourselves grace and prioritize heart healing for a brighter, love-filled future.
FULL TRANSCRIPTS BELOW
Learn more about this week’s guest: Robin Johnson, The Heart Whisperer
Robin Johnson is The Heart Whisperer. Her soul's purpose is to create a safe place for people to heal. Robin's personal healing journey ended her 20+year battle with depression.
Robin is trained in Heart Centered Therapy and Trauma healing. She developed the Bravehearts Revolution that has helped hundreds of women and men heal their past and create a future they love. She loves to lift people out of their pain to begin life anew.
She created the Heart Coach Institute, which certifies Life Coaches worldwide. Their program is accredited by the International Coaching Federation. HCI combines the power of Life Coaching with the wisdom and strength off the heart.
In her spare time, she loves to travel, hike, bike and soaks in every minute of nature that she can. Married for 34 years, she loves her husband and their four amazing children.
https://www.theheartwhisperer.com
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Get Robin’s Free Gift: Healing Your Heart Meditations
Healing Your Heart with The Heart Whisperer FULL TRANSCRIPTS
Erica Bennett [00:00:00]:
Hey, guys. I am excited for this week's episode. This week is all about the heart. We are doing the heavy lifting this season. We are looking at getting back out there. You are exploring whether or not you're ready to date and you know who leads the way - your heart. And if we haven't done the work to heal the heart, to listen to the heart, to open our heart back up, all those other steps can be a lot harder. So today I have a heart expert on for us.
Erica Bennett [00:00:25]:
I'm super excited. Let's get started. Welcome to The Crazy Ex-Wife Club, a podcast dedicated to helping women navigate the emotional journey that is divorce. I'm your host, Erica. And if you're trying to figure out life after the big d, welcome to the club. Whether you're contemplating divorce or dealing with the aftermath or any of the many phases in between, the club has got you covered. Each week, you'll hear stories from women who have been in your shoes. This isn't about spilling tea on divorce details.
Erica Bennett [00:00:57]:
This is about giving you the tools to take control of your own healing journey. Listen in weekly for advice, tips, and tools to help you move through each stage of the process. Hey, guys, it's another great episode of The Crazy Ex-Wives Club. It's your host, Erica, and today I have Robin Johnson with me. Now, Robin is known as the heart whisperer. That is her area of expertise. It is all things, everything, healing the heart, speaking to your heart, empowering your heart, and bringing it to life.
Erica Bennett [00:01:30]:
Not only is she the heart whisperer, but she also heads up The Heart Coaching Institute to help others reach and connect with their heart. So super excited to have you on today. Robin, thank you for joining us.
Robin Johnson [00:01:42]:
Thank you so much for having me. I'm so excited to be with you today.
Erica Bennett [00:01:47]:
Yeah, I had the chance to meet Robin. I saw her present and teach and coach a little bit over the summer, and I just absolutely was drawn to your warmth and your kindness that just oozes, out of all things, you know, of a healthy heart.
Erica Bennett [00:02:04]:
People who have a healthy heart, you just want to be around them. And so reached out. I wanted to have you on the podcast. And the really cool part, you guys, is that while she's not divorced, she's a child of divorce. So, she has learned how to navigate this heart healing process from really inside, you know, as a child, watching it happen and how it impacted her. Tell us a little bit about that, Robin.
Robin Johnson [00:02:29]:
Being a child of divorce was really different back then. My parents got divorced, you know, 40 years ago, and nobody in our whole neighborhood was divorced. That was like the thing that happened on soap operas, you know, not in our little, small town. I think I became painfully aware of the challenges, even the social challenges of divorce at a very young age. Even though it wasn't my marriage, it was my life. I have a great compassion, I would say, for those going through a divorce. I watched my mom, I have seven brothers and sisters, so eight kids, if you can imagine. She got divorced at 45 and didn't have a college degree, had been just a housewife, you know, her whole married life.
Robin Johnson [00:03:14]:
And at 45, she went back to school, she got her education, she started working full time and became an amazing teacher, a college professor. I think I just have great role models of what that can look like to get through and survive divorce and a lot of empathy and compassion from the inside out. Watching the struggles my mom faced.
Erica Bennett [00:03:38]:
Yeah, I always wonder, even right now, I wonder when my son is a little older, he's twelve. When he gets to be a little bit older, I'm so looking forward to having these conversations of what it was like in those moments. We only see through our lens. And I hope that the bad moments he has forgotten about. But I also know that it takes sometimes bringing those things, like clearing the air. I'm always intrigued. I wonder how he sees it and views it. I thought it was really exciting to have you on.
Robin Johnson [00:04:08]:
Yeah. I work with a lot of divorced women, you know, and one thing they always worry about is their children. And I always tell them, if my parents hadn't gotten divorced, I wouldn't be the heart whisperer. Like, it was that childhood pain and struggle that I went through that caused me to need this healing myself. And then I found the tools and then I wanted to help others. So please know that whatever your children are going through or experiencing or learning or how they're adapting or how they're having to grow up, it's perfect for their life mission and purpose. And don't waste your time beating yourself up over it. They're going to be fine.
Robin Johnson [00:04:52]:
You're going to be just fine.
Erica Bennett [00:04:54]:
Right? You do the best in the moment. You repair the things where maybe you didn't do what you wanted to do, and then you pick up and you keep going. But a lot of that comes back to how centered we are in our heart. I remember when I was new in the divorce phase, I was actually meeting with an astrologer, learning more about my chart and kind of my north and south nodes. And in that point, you know, she had said something like, you know, a lot of people come to me five years down the road from where you're at, five years post-divorce, and they have locked up their heart. You might not want to hear what I'm about to tell you, but I'm saying these things because I am going to push you. The whole goal is to keep your heart open. And, you know, in the moment, I was like, oh, yeah, okay, my heart is open.
Erica Bennett [00:05:35]:
Even though I could feel myself reacting. Reacting, reacting to what she said.
Robin Johnson [00:05:40]:
Yes.
Erica Bennett [00:05:41]:
And it wasn't until years later that I was like, oh, I did lock a certain portion of it up, even though that wasn't my intent. I think it's naturally what we do after great heartache.
Robin Johnson [00:05:54]:
Yes, absolutely. So how did you find that courage to turn around and open it up? I want to know that.
Erica Bennett [00:06:02]:
Oh, good question. I really thought that I had fully opened it. It took getting back into partnership. I did the work solo. I found the self-love. I found the self-confidence. I really loved the choices I had made, the life I had built.
Erica Bennett [00:06:21]:
I wasn't waiting on anybody else. Like, if I wanted to go snowboarding, I went, and I was in Colorado solo-tripping all the time. And I didn't let not having a partner stop me from the things that I wanted. And I actually found that I really love what I was creating. Here's little old me thinking. I got the crown on of, like, woot, woot. I did it. I love myself, right? I love myself and my choices.
Erica Bennett [00:06:44]:
That's it. And then you get into partnership, and the amount of fear that continued to show up, you might get hurt again. He might leave. This might all end. And that's what really started me down. That's where I say it's almost like this inner chamber was still locked up. The part of the heart that shares, that beats because it connects with somebody else or something else, was still under lock and key until I could really sit there and just say, okay, you know why you're scared? Because it would hurt and it would suck, but you also won't feel all of the good parts until you're ready to move through it. And I had to ask myself if I knew that if it didn't work out, could I pick myself back up?
Erica Bennett [00:07:27]:
Yes. And could I get through the heartache again? Yes. And then I was like, okay, so then why are you afraid to try?
Robin Johnson [00:07:34]:
Yeah.
Erica Bennett [00:07:34]:
And then I you know, did some visualizing, did some meditating, and honestly felt it open, like, felt this shield of armor that I've been carrying lift and go away. It was a really beautiful process, but it took steps.
Robin Johnson [00:07:50]:
Yes. Yes. Oh, you talked about so many great points. I love that you said, the part of the heart that shares, that's so. That's so tender and so intimate. That's beautiful.
Erica Bennett [00:08:05]:
Hey, there. It's Erica, your guide at The Crazy Ex-Wives Club. I want to take a moment to express how much your feedback means to us. Your ratings, your reviews, they are like fuel for our journey together. They not only brighten our day, but they help other women find the support and the guidance they need. Leaving a rating and review is super easy, and it makes a world of difference. If you're listening on Spotify, simply scroll down to the bottom of the podcast page and then tap on rate. If you're tuning in on iTunes, head over to the podcast page, scroll down, and click on write a review.
Erica Bennett [00:08:38]:
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Robin Johnson [00:09:02]:
One of the analogies that I like to share with people to understand what happens when we shut down our heart. If you think of the electrical system in our house, you know the way our house is wired, if there is too much draw, too many things plugged into one socket, it will flip the breaker switch in our house, right? And it will shut the power down to that specific socket. And we're so lucky that it does that, because if it didn't, our house could start on fire. There could be an electrical fire because there's too much charge in that one area. Well, I feel like that's the perfect analogy, because in the same way, our hearts, when we have too much draw on our heart, when there's too much pain, when there's too much trauma, when there's too many overwhelming emotions that we just can't possibly process through them all, you know, in the moment, that heart, it's like it has a breaker switch, and it does shut down. You know, we disconnect from our heart. And the great part about disconnecting from the heart is that you don't feel that pain anymore. But like you said, the hard part about that is, you also don't feel the joy either.
Robin Johnson [00:10:17]:
Shutting down the heart shuts down all of emotion. When we think about going back to heal the heart, you know, sometimes I'll say, are you ready to connect to your heart? And they're like, are you kidding? I have so much pain in my heart, I don't want to, you know, and we don't just open up the whole heart at once, but just like, you would go to that electric socket and you would unplug one piece at a time, one and reallocate that, you know, that's what we do in healing the heart. We're just going to heal one little piece at a time and then another piece, and then another piece. And then let's release the trauma. And then when your heart is ready now, let's open it up and step into that beautiful space again.
Erica Bennett [00:11:01]:
I think that's the important thing, you guys, is that it's not all of a sudden just, it's on. It's like, hey, I'm going to try this out a little bit today. And then the next day I might try it out a little bit longer and, you know, like, maybe you first start trusting or, you know, loving friends a little differently and then your kids a little different. Because for me, when it first happened, I was really, really just overwhelmed. I was burnt out from trying to fight for this marriage for two years, and my heart was so broken, and yet I still had a little four-year-old whose heart was also broken, who I was trying to be there for. And I know I was a lot shorter than I meant to be, right? Like, if he spilled water, I remember yelling. It's just water. But it was like I could not handle one more thing that didn't go as planned. I couldn't handle one more upset because it was so overwhelmed. What are some of the other things that you see when somebody has their heart shut down? Like, I know we don't connect.
Erica Bennett [00:12:02]:
We're disconnected. What other things might be coming up in your life?
Robin Johnson [00:12:07]:
Well, the heart is such an incredible gift and strength to us. Our heart is our divine connection. A lot of times people will say, I can't feel God anymore or a divine source. I don't feel supported anymore in the universe. It's not that anything has changed in your exterior support system. It's that you can't feel it because we feel that here. People also, as we talked about, they don't feel emotion. You know, you lose contact with that.
Robin Johnson [00:12:39]:
And so, life becomes very flat. It's like you become almost robotic just going through the motions. I lived a lot of my life with my heart shut down, and I compared it to, like, watching a black and white tv, even with the sound turned off, you know, there's just no color. There's just motion.
Erica Bennett [00:12:58]:
Yeah.
Robin Johnson [00:12:58]:
That's all. Also, what I see is one of the greatest strengths of our heart is that it is a source of truth for us. Like, our heart can give us these answers that we're searching for. In the midst of heartbreak, in the midst of divorce, we want to know what we should do, and our heart really is the most powerful source for information, and so we lose connection with that. If you think of the heart that we're talking about, we're not talking about the physical, beating heart, you know, but that heart of our soul.
Erica Bennett [00:13:32]:
Yeah.
Robin Johnson [00:13:33]:
The soul level heart or the heart of our spirit. If we have shut that off, we lose our passion, our purpose. We really disconnect from ourselves and the truth of who we are. And I think we can get very lost.
Erica Bennett [00:13:49]:
I think because pre COVID and now after COVID, we're so busy. The year we were shut down, things were a little different, but then you were faced with all the things in your heart you didn't want to deal with and people didn't like. But typically, we stay very busy to avoid having to sit in the feels. You could go through a whole day of just being very busy. And you get to the end of the day, and you're exhausted, but you've never actually checked in with, did I like my day? Did things go well? Like, did I enjoy what was going on? And I think that was a big learning for me, was just to sit and be like, what do you actually feel right now? Are you happy? Are you sad? What are you feeling? And then little by little, being willing to look at it.
Robin Johnson [00:14:32]:
Absolutely. It's definitely a process, too, and an awareness. You know, it starts even with that awareness, because in the beginning, you're just in survival mode. There's no prospering mode. There's just survival mode, and you do what you have to do to get by. But just like that breaker switch, you know, when we turn the power off, if we didn't have power somewhere in our house, we'd be pretty quick to get that back on. But when we disconnect or shut down our heart, we don't always even know that we've done that. It's a very unconscious, almost automatic response.
Robin Johnson [00:15:10]:
To go through that process of healing and go to that effort of connecting back in, I think a lot of people live years and decades without ever connecting back in because they don't know how and they don't know how to make it feel safe.
Erica Bennett [00:15:26]:
Yeah. Because it felt, you know, it was very unsure, very scary, because I really wanted to trust my heart, but I had, I think my heart and my, like, ego voice were so tied up that I didn't know when it was ego trying to protect me or when it was actually my guidance telling me it was the wrong fit, and I lost the ability to trust my own guidance. And then it was even scarier, right? Because you're sitting there and I'm like, how do I know if this feeling is real or if this feeling is the fake feeling that's being created? And just such a desperate desire to not be wrong again, to not just break it again because it was still so, be gentle, healing
Robin Johnson [00:16:10]:
Yes. Not only that, on top of we have the ego mind, we don't know if we even are connected to our heart anymore, but on top of that, we've got trauma. And if we don't heal the trauma in our life, I can tell you the trauma is driving the show. The trauma is driving the bus every day.
Erica Bennett [00:16:31]:
Every day. I think that's the thing. I'm like, can we just heal the trauma? The reaction, uncontrolled responses where your body, your mind, everything just makes the decision for you. Yes. That's trauma, you guys. That is not conscious choice.
Robin Johnson [00:16:46]:
Yes, absolutely. And when that trauma takes over, the heart shuts down. Actually, when trauma is triggered, it shuts the heart down. It shuts down the left side of the brain, which is our logic, our sequence, our ability to, you know, compartmentalize, and analyze the situation. All of that is gone. And the right side of our brain is heightened, which is the emotion, the creativity. You become very creative of all the possible horrible things that might happen and all the emotion, not just of this situation, but today's emotion, plus all the trauma from the last five years, ten years, whatever, it all compounds into this massive ball of emotion, and it's impossible to make sense out of that.
Erica Bennett [00:17:36]:
I'll even share, like, even yesterday, it's having a little heart moment. I could see it building, right. You know, Sunday night, I was feeling a little like, oh, I really want this thing, and it's not here yet. There was a little bit of a lack. Right?
Robin Johnson [00:17:48]:
Like, oh, I love that.
Erica Bennett [00:17:49]:
I know what it's coming. I love being aware that now I'm desiring this shift, but it's not here yet. It's a little meh. And then it built and built and built until something that is totally normally a joke. I was like, is this real? Is this really happening? And I. When I was like, why am I so upset? And I'm like, well, because your heart's afraid it's about to get hurt again. Oh, is that real? No, but when you're in it. I knew logically it was a joke.
Erica Bennett [00:18:16]:
I could not override the trauma experience in my body. It wasn't my heart leading the way. My heart knew what. What was true. But that reaction happened, and I was like, why am I ugly crying on the couch when I was just fine five minutes ago?
Erica Bennett [00:18:35]:
Cause my heart was afraid it was going to get hurt. And what happened? It triggered all the trauma defense systems. The nervous system went offline and was like “yikes.”
Robin Johnson [00:18:45]:
We’re irrational and emotionally out of control, and there's no sense in the world.
Erica Bennett [00:18:53]:
Right? It's a beautiful place to be as long as you know what to do with it.
Robin Johnson [00:18:57]:
Yes.
Erica Bennett [00:18:58]:
But you don't get stuck in it, because when you get stuck in it.
Robin Johnson [00:19:00]:
Oh.
Erica Bennett [00:19:01]:
Feels terrible. It feels so gross.
Robin Johnson [00:19:03]:
Yes.
Erica Bennett [00:19:03]:
Seeing it, moving through it, letting it go, reconnecting, is so yummy. Feels so good.
Robin Johnson [00:19:11]:
Yes. And all of you need to know, trauma can be healed. Trauma is something that just fades over time. It doesn't just get better over time, but trauma can be healed. So, yeah, take those steps and find that healing and put yourself back in the driver's seat.
Erica Bennett [00:19:27]:
Right. That's the thing, like, to regain control over emotions when they've gone haywire. You guys, that's not your heart running the show, because your heart is love and abundance and patience and, like, hey, there's enough room for everybody. So that's not the voice that's driving the show.
Robin Johnson [00:19:44]:
Oh, I love all your experiences. I'm sure they make your audience feel so comforted and all that you've gone through and overcome. You're amazing.
Erica Bennett [00:19:54]:
Oh, you're sweet. Thank you. I hope so. I spent the majority of my life running from my crazy emotions. You know, I was the kid who felt too much. Oh, Erica's hard to handle as a little, little girl. I'm still dealing with that.
Erica Bennett [00:20:09]:
Like, oh, that's just Erica. Erica's overreacting.
Robin Johnson [00:20:12]:
Yeah.
Erica Bennett [00:20:13]:
And the lasting imprint of what that does to somebody to, like, make them feel like their emotions are too much. Well, your emotions are just your emotions, and especially when you're a little kid. If you're looking at your kids having some reactions from your divorce, too, it's just bigger than they know what to do with. And it comes out in their body and in their emotions and in their actions, and it does break my heart when I see parents almost, like, shame their kids for the emotions. And I go, if you name it for them, and if you tell them that they are not alone, they will get through it, and it will move faster. And same as an adult. My little cry session last night would have moved a lot faster if, you know, the partner who was joking would have just sat in the shit with me, and he's over there laughing, and then he's like, what the hell was that? And I'm like, I know, but golly gee, I do wish you had sat in it with me instead of being like, go fix your shit and call me when you're done.
Robin Johnson [00:21:15]:
Yes, yes. And there's a powerful tool you can use both for yourself and for your children, because, like you said, emotion just wants to be expressed. Emotion is energy in motion. When we put a stop on what needs to be in motion, that is the stuff that gets buried inside us. And 20 years later, we're at a therapist's office still trying to sort out that emotion we felt when we were ten, right? Because nobody let us just express it. There's a powerful tool. I would just call it the consciousness meditation, but this was taught to me by Alaya Chikly. She's one that developed heart centered therapy.
Robin Johnson [00:21:59]:
And when you have an emotion that becomes overwhelming, and I don't even like to call them negative emotions, but we'll call them depleting emotions because they will deplete you. But speak to it, talk to it, acknowledge it. Like, I see you, my anger. I know that you're real. I know that you're mine, and you can even have compassion for it and say, I love you. And it is crazy. This happens time and time and time again with my clients. When they have this big, overwhelming negative emotion and they speak to it and acknowledge it, it starts to subside.
Erica Bennett [00:22:40]:
Yeah.
Robin Johnson [00:22:41]:
And the same thing with your children. You know, all you've got to do is say, I can see that you're angry. Wow. I can feel how upset you are right now. I see that you really need some of my attention. And it's like, it just diffuses it because they're seen, and that's all they need. As such wise counsel.
Erica Bennett [00:23:02]:
Right. And if it's not seen, what happens? It just gets bigger. It demands more attention. Yes, and that's so true, because I think throughout my healing journey, I kept thinking, you know, I go talk to the little inner me, the little inner girl that's in there, and I kept thinking I was finding the thing that she was upset about. Right. What is she still so afraid of? You know, I acknowledged, yes, it hurt. Yes, it was big. Yes.
Erica Bennett [00:23:25]:
You know, it sucked and it would go away, but then it would come back, and then I'd be like, okay, I acknowledge that it's not what you want, that this is harder than you expected it to be, that you wished you were farther along the path and it'd go away, but then she would come back. And it wasn't until I realized that I needed to forgive myself for not listening to myself. And that was the thing, like, I still have goosebumps. That was the thing that, like, my heart needed to hear. And I sat there, and I was like, I will never, I will never abandon you again.
Robin Johnson [00:23:56]:
I know.
Erica Bennett [00:23:57]:
I stopped listening. I know I chose not to see what you were trying to tell me, and I will not ever do that to you again. And that was that moment that, like, things could really start to shift because I had to tell myself what were the things that I was unwilling to look at in the process.
Robin Johnson [00:24:16]:
Yes. And I love what you're describing because I'm not an actual therapist, so I don't really know what emotional resilience means in the therapy world, but what it means to me is that you can handle your emotions, you know? And when we're willing to sit with those deep, heavy emotions and just honor them, this is what I'm actually feeling right now. This is what I want. I want to scream right now. This is how I'm feeling. When we can look at those deepest, darkest, heavy emotions and just stare them in the face and hold the space for them to be seen, that is resilience.
Robin Johnson [00:24:58]:
There is nothing to be afraid of after that. When you can look at and hold the darkest parts of yourself, you will gain strength and you will not be afraid of yourself.
Erica Bennett [00:25:10]:
Yeah. Because I think so often, we are all afraid that the pain is going to be worse than it is. Right. And this, this is part of, like, ego's little mind trip, the little, oh, it's going to hurt. If you look at it, it's going to hurt. If you deal with it, it's going to hurt. Avoid it, avoid it, avoid it. But the reality is, is that it hurts far less to just look at it, acknowledge it, let it go, deal with the shit that's there.
Robin Johnson [00:25:34]:
Yes.
Erica Bennett [00:25:34]:
And then it can go. My son really loves horror movies. We're watching, I'm not, but he's watching a lot of horror movies right now. But it creates the suspense that it is going to be really bad versus just turn on the lights and see that. Okay. Yes, there is a, you know, masked intruder with a knife in the horror movie. Right.
Erica Bennett [00:25:54]:
But like, sitting in the dark of not knowing is worse than just figure out what it is and get through it, right?
Robin Johnson [00:26:03]:
Absolutely. And we're all capable of that. You know, we're really all capable of handling our lives. And it is the mind that would tell us otherwise.
Erica Bennett [00:26:13]:
Yeah.
Robin Johnson [00:26:14]:
And remember, the job of the mind is to keep us safe and to keep us alive. That is its job. The job of the mind is not to make us happy. It does not care one iota if you are happy or not. Safety is all. It's very like, right, well, it's true. It's like a machine. You put information in, you get information out.
Robin Johnson [00:26:38]:
The mind, if it sees you in a situation that could be scary or new or change something, it's like, no, absolutely do not do that.
Erica Bennett [00:26:47]:
Yeah, well, that makes sense, right? Like, you know, wiring wise back in the day, you know, there was a lot more downtime than there is now. And it's your downtime. The rest, the relaxation, the sleep, the pondering time. I think even growing up, like, sitting at, you know, like the family farm that had two tv stations, well, there wasn't anything to do. You're sitting out on the porch at night just watching lightning bugs. If we had all that downtime, our nervous system could calm back down so that our mind could sense when real trouble was there. There's a drought coming, there's a saber-toothed tiger coming.
Erica Bennett [00:27:24]:
There's a fight coming, whatever it is, because we go, go, go, we don't enable ourselves to rest. We don't have the downtime so that our mind doesn't have to protect us 24/7 it's on overdrive of telling us that the sky is falling. That's all it wants to tell us all the time.
Robin Johnson [00:27:43]:
Yes. The amazing thing about the heart, the heart sees everyone with compassion, but that includes yourself. Your heart sees you with compassion. Your heart cares about you and your needs and what's best for your life. And so, to be able to heal the heart so we can connect back in and have that as a source of influence as we're trying to make decisions and trying to move forward. The heart really is your greatest ally, and it cares about your happiness. That is the job of the heart, to care about your happiness and those around you. The heart loves all equally.
Robin Johnson [00:28:26]:
And even things like setting boundaries, boundaries from the mind are what keeps us safe and keeps us protected. But boundaries from the heart can be very different because it supports all the people involved. Your heart was really a powerful resource for your healing journey.
Erica Bennett [00:28:45]:
I love that. One of the things that had really helped me was every time I was stuck in a not heart led place was to really ask to, I want what is best for everyone involved. How can everyone win from this? If I couldn't make the decision, I didn't know what the right answer was, but I knew that I was really hurting. I could just turn it over in that way. Right?
Robin Johnson [00:29:10]:
Like what?
Erica Bennett [00:29:10]:
What is the way that everybody wins in this? What is the way that everybody is okay? Because at the heart of it, I did want everybody to be okay. I did want everybody to win and thrive after this. Nobody wants anybody to be forever hurt and forever stuck.
Robin Johnson [00:29:23]:
Right?
Erica Bennett [00:29:24]:
What other things can our listeners do to start to tap into their heart or start to heal their heart?
Robin Johnson [00:29:30]:
Yeah. In order of priority, to me, the first thing is really to heal that trauma, because what happens when we skip healing the trauma and we just start healing? We can come to peace with things in our mind and we can even find that peace in our heart. But then when the trauma kicks in, it's like it takes us right back to square one. And we feel like we haven't made any progress, and we actually have, you know, the trauma has just resurfaced. I find that that trauma piece makes it so discouraging because it feels like, forward, back, forward, back, one step forward, three steps back, you know? And so to heal the trauma first and then start taking steps forward, it's actually the most efficient way to heal if you care about how long this is going to take or time. I would definitely start with the trauma. And the second thing is, I would say it's very important that you learn to love yourself. And that may even take priority over trying to forgive or trying to forget or trying to let go, because loving yourself affects every relationship you have.
Robin Johnson [00:30:50]:
And when we don't love ourselves, I don't think we evaluate relationships honestly. We don't really see the full picture of what's going on. And many times, people just judge their failures, what they did wrong, how they didn't show up, what they could have done better. And there's two sides to that. How could the other person have shown up for you? You know, what were your needs that were not being met?
Erica Bennett [00:31:24]:
Yeah.
Robin Johnson [00:31:25]:
And what were the parts of you that you had to hide or let go of or make small just to fit in the relationship. Value yourself, and that will help you heal the past, but also prepare for a better future, a better type of relationship in the future.
Erica Bennett [00:31:47]:
Right. Because I think, you know, if I think about myself in my twenties, the goal was, I need to find the partner who were going to buy the house and have the kids together. And it was a very narrow way to look at picking the right partner. And not because I was egotistical or into, like, appearances. I really. I could care less, but it's all I knew. As a 20-year-old,
Erica Bennett [00:32:11]:
my blinders were not very wide to the fact that, you know, does this person have the same passions? Does this person have the same goals? Do we have the same type of, you know, like, love languages in terms of, like, how romantic is he? And how romantic do I need a partner to be?
Robin Johnson [00:32:27]:
Yeah.
Erica Bennett [00:32:27]:
All those pieces are the things that started to get in the way. I put aside the pieces of me thinking, who do I need to be to make the relationship work? If what I want is the relationship, who do I need to become to make the relationship work? Instead of, this is who I am? And the right puzzle piece will come when I stay fully in who I am, because I don't have to give up any of myself to still have a fulfilling relationship with somebody.
Robin Johnson [00:32:57]:
Yes. Oh, that's so wise. That's so much good advice. If you think about all these traumas in our life, all these problems in our life, they have caused us to doubt ourselves. They've caused us to believe things about ourselves that aren't true. You know, I had some trauma in my childhood, and I thought, okay, I can never trust men. And that belief was actually not true, but it felt true. We live our life based on all these beliefs.
Robin Johnson [00:33:31]:
I can't trust men. I'm not good enough. I'm not beautiful enough. I'll never be successful enough. I don't deserve someone to love me. I deserve to be treated like crap. Like, there's this whole foundation of lies that we're standing on, and it's very unstable. If we're looking for a stable life and we're standing on this mountain of lies that is forever shifting, and it is always dependent on other people's perception of ourselves.
Robin Johnson [00:33:59]:
We're waiting for outside validation. We're listening to the world. When you can clear out all those lies.
Erica Bennett [00:34:06]:
Yeah.
Robin Johnson [00:34:07]:
And get down to that truth. Truth makes you feel strong. Truth is a foundation you want to build on. And when you find that authentic truth in yourself, and that is the place you start living from, you have such a solid foundation beneath you, and you can handle things in your life. You're not waiting anymore for someone to fill that hole inside of you or validate you because you don't believe this about yourself. You have this internal knowing, and that strength is so beautiful. That kind of strength is so inviting, and it attracts people of that same caliber that are able to walk in their truth.
Erica Bennett [00:34:48]:
Yeah. That was one of, like, the great gifts for me of COVID because I had done a lot of healing work prior. I knew what I wanted, but I was in the world of trying to get back out there. Which meant that if a social engagement came up, I had to say yes, because maybe I'll meet somebody, right? Maybe I'll be out. And then when we all had a shutdown, and my mind was still running with a lot of stories that everybody else was out all the time. When I was home, must be because people don't like me. Must be because people aren't thinking about me.
Erica Bennett [00:35:18]:
Must be… it was none of that stuff. You guys, like, we want to insert us into the, like, main character of everybody else's story, but that is not how it works. When we had a shutdown for COVID and I could and I didn't have a choice to overrun, right. To burn the candle at both ends. And I got real clear on this is actually what I want to do tonight. That is within 100%, just my power of what I can control. I started to realize that a lot of the things I was still out doing didn't fill me up.
Erica Bennett [00:35:51]:
They were just things I thought I had to do to get to the next phase.
Robin Johnson [00:35:55]:
Yeah.
Erica Bennett [00:35:55]:
I cut all those, and I was like, that's not who I am. I don't need that stuff. But who am I? What do I love? What do I want? That helped bring a lot of clarity into then what am I looking for and what has to be, okay? Like, I can be out all the time, or I can be home, but once I'm out all the time, I need to be home a lot. Or if I work a lot during the week, I want a quiet weekend.
Robin Johnson [00:36:18]:
Yes.
Erica Bennett [00:36:19]:
So that's got to be okay with my partner, and I got to be okay if he wants to go out, and I don't.
Erica Bennett [00:36:25]:
Have at it. But I didn't find that till I figured out who I was.
Robin Johnson [00:36:28]:
Yes. And that shift that it sounds like you made is so valuable, where it's all based on external needs and external perceptions to now, internally, I am safe. I am safe and comfortable with me.
Erica Bennett [00:36:43]:
Yeah. I don't have to do stuff just to know that somebody likes me. If they're going to like me, they're going to like me. You know, friends, whoever. Friends, family, whoever.
Robin Johnson [00:36:52]:
Yeah.
Erica Bennett [00:36:53]:
Stop jumping through the hoops. And when that, you almost, like, free up more time for you, which means that your heart is more willing to give in love because you recharged your own battery first.
Robin Johnson [00:37:04]:
Yes, absolutely. And the authenticity. You can feel it. I can feel it in you. I can feel those aren't just words. That's your truth.
Erica Bennett [00:37:16]:
Yeah. It took time to learn it, and I love the journey that I took to get here. There were times when I thought I had it mastered, and then I was like, oh, maybe I don't, but that's okay. Let's embody it a little bit more. Right? Let's get grounded in it a little bit more. It's just always a journey, always a process. Right? It's not like it's a degree you get and it's on the wall that you're like, look, I got divorced. I mean, that you could put on the wall.
Erica Bennett [00:37:40]:
I got divorced. Here's the decree on the wall. But next to it is not a certificate saying you successfully healed your heart. It's a practice you're going to do for the rest of your life to keep your heart open.
Robin Johnson [00:37:52]:
Yes, absolutely. I didn't even know my heart could speak to me until I was about 45. And I went through some training, and they were like, okay, ask your heart a question. I'm like, what? And what would that look like? You know? The teacher actually took us through this amazing exercise, and she's like, okay, connect to your mind. I've got three challenging questions for your mind. Da da da da. And she asked us three questions, and she's like, remember the answer. The questions were, what is it like to experience a flower? What do you need to feel safe? And what do you need to be happy? And so, you know, I asked those questions to my mind and had my answers, and then she connected us to our heart, and we took some deep breaths through the heart.
Robin Johnson [00:38:42]:
We slowed down and matched the pace of the heart. We fell into that warmth and that safe place of the heart, and we really got dialed into this heart of the soul. And then she said, now I have three questions for you. And she asked us those three same questions again. It was unbelievable. My answers were completely different. My experience was completely different. I hope people understand that your heart is the center of knowing.
Robin Johnson [00:39:14]:
You know that you can go and find those answers when you don't even know what your authentic self looks like. Ask your heart when you've given you so much of yourself, you don't even remember who you are or what you're like. Ask your heart when you're believing those things that other people say about you, but you're hoping they're not true. Ask your heart, and your heart can confirm what is true and what is unique and beautiful and wonderful about you, and that can give you strength.
Erica Bennett [00:39:49]:
I love that. You guys, you have some journaling to go out and do. Take those three questions, do the activity, connect with your heart, and know that again, it's one step at a time. So doing the work alone works. Doing the work with a coach. You know, there are so many coaches. There are therapists out there. There are people to support you. If it gets to be too overwhelming, lean on somebody else.
Erica Bennett [00:40:15]:
That's why Robin and I do what we do. Right. We hold the space for you to do your healing work. Yeah, we've done ours. We know how to guide people through it, but we can't do the work for you. We can hold the space so you're not alone, so that you're held up while you're doing the heavy lifting. You guys, such a great episode on healing your heart, and Robin has a free gift for you so that you can be supported as you do a little bit more work.
Erica Bennett [00:40:42]:
So, Robin, what can the listeners get to help them on their journey?
Robin Johnson [00:40:46]:
I'm so excited to offer you guys. I created a meditation CD several years ago, and what I found is that a lot of people had similar problems with the heart, meaning, first of all, they didn't know how to connect to their heart. So, one meditation is how to help you connect to your heart. A lot of times, people had trouble feeling compassion, either for themself or somebody that's hurt them and for healing we really want to come to that point of compassion to be ready to move forward. So, one's all about compassion. Sometimes people have trouble letting go of things of the past. I'll guide you on how to let go.
Robin Johnson [00:41:26]:
And one of them, maybe you've lost hope. There's just five of the most significant and most common topics I help my clients with. You have five meditations for five different things to help you with your heart. The link, I'm sure, will be in the comments, but you'll be able to go there and just download all five for free.
Erica Bennett [00:41:48]:
Yeah, I love that. Thank you so much for delivering that. Because I just find that guided meditations are, they're such a valuable tool to do the healing work, you know, because even after years, could I do my own meditation?
Robin Johnson [00:42:01]:
Sure.
Erica Bennett [00:42:02]:
Would I rather listen to somebody else guide me so that I can just allow my mind to go where it needs to go? Yes. You guys, the link to get access to the free meditations, they're in the description of the podcast. In your Spotify or Apple, if you go to the description, you'll see the link in there. You can also find it on www.thecrazyexwivesclub.com, under episodes. We'll have all the details listed under this week's episode, and then we'll make sure when we share it on social, we'll tag it in the stories and whatnot. We want to make sure you guys get access to those free meditations. Thank you, Robin, for joining you guys.
Erica Bennett [00:42:35]:
Until next week, give yourself grace. Give yourself a hug and ask your heart what it's looking for. We'll talk to you all next week. And that's it. Another great episode of The Crazy Ex-Wives Club, a podcast for women learning how to heal from their divorce. Tune in next week for more advice and tips to help you figure out life after divorce. And until then, give yourself grace. Do the best you can and know that this is all part of the process.
