S4 E12: Building a Healthy Relationship Mindset with Professional Matchmaker, Julie Ferman
Jun 26, 2024
Welcome back to "The Crazy Ex-Wives Club"! In today's episode, Erica Bennett sits down with Julie Ferrman, a renowned personal matchmaker and dating coach based in LA and Santa Fe. Together, they delve into the intricacies of modern relationships, emphasizing the importance of personal growth, self-awareness, and flexibility in finding a meaningful connection.
Julie shares her unique approach to matchmaking, which includes her mitzvah matches and a methodology centered around deep understanding and genuine connection. She provides invaluable advice on embracing feminine qualities, understanding men's relationships with commitment and money, and navigating the online dating landscape.
Erica and Julie also explore the significance of essential traits like honesty, integrity, and humor over superficial attributes and the art of meaningful flirting, broken down into three engaging levels. Julie invites our listeners to join her free community for personalized support and education programs designed to set up a successful dating mindset.
Join us as we unpack these topics and more, providing you with the tools to navigate and thrive in your dating journey. Don't forget to leave us a rating and review—your support helps other women find their path to healing and happiness. Get ready to gain a fresh perspective on love and relationships, right here on The Crazy Ex-Wives Club!
Learn more about this week’s guest Julie Ferman:
Julie Ferman Legendary Matchmaker, Dating Coach. www.JulieFerman.com & Host of The Cupid’s Coach Podcast
A professional matchmaker & Dating Coach since 1990, with over 1300 Success Story Couples, Julie Ferman is truly legendary in the dating industry. She is an edu-taining guest expert, easy to schedule with, lively and engaging, and she brings to your audience decades of media and public speaking experience. Using real live examples and stories galore, Julie’s spot on, courageous, compassionate advice for men and women who are out there in the dating trenches is always well received.
Julie is the host of the Cupid’s Coach Podcast and has produced over 500 singles events since launching her matchmaking agency in 2002 in L.A and she is a frequent speaker at global matchmaking industry conferences. Julie met her husband of 32 years through a proactive love search of her own. She hired a dating coach to set her straight, she threw dozens of parties, she did personal ads, had 50 first dates in two years and eventually landed at a dating agency. The man she married was the owner of that dating agency. He sold her a membership, she later flirted with him, asked him out and they quickly married and had two sons, now 28 and 31. Julie has she spent every day since 1990 helping singles to make that all-important initial connection with the right people and to master the art of dating. Her matchmaking clients are primarily in Los Angeles and Santa Fe, NM, her two homes, and she does personal consultations by Zoom with coaching clients all over the world.
Building a Healthy Relationship Mindset: Julie Ferman's Tips and Strategies FULL TRANSCRIPTS
Erica Bennett [00:00:00]:
Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match find me a find catch me a catch matchmaker, matchmaker look through your book and make me a perfect match. I mean, how often have we all asked and wished and hoped that somebody else would find us? Our find would make us our match would catch us our catch join me today as we talk with a matchmaker and learn about all the things you need to know before you get started. Welcome to the Crazy Ex Wives Club, a podcast dedicated to helping women navigate the emotional journey that is divorce. I'm your host, Erica. And if you're trying to figure out life after the big D, welcome to the club. Whether you're contemplating divorce or dealing with the aftermath or any of the many phases in between, the club has got you covered. Each week, you'll hear stories from women who have been in your shoes. This isn't about spilling tea and divorce details. This is about giving you the tools to take control of your own healing journey.
Listen in weekly for advice, tips, and tools to help you move through each stage of the process. Welcome to another episode of the Crazy Ex Wives club. I'm your host, Erica, and today my guest, Julie Ferman is here to talk all about dating and matchmaking. Julie is a personal matchmaker. She's a dating coach. She hosts a podcast called Cupid's Coach, and she's based in LA, in Santa Fe. And I absolutely loved talking to Julie, so I'm super excited to share her with you guys. Welcome to the show, julie.
Julie Ferman [00:01:44]:
Thank you, eric. I'm delighted to be here.
Erica Bennett [00:01:47]:
Yeah, I loved, you know, so it's funny because when I was in the dating pool, I contemplated hiring somebody, right? I contemplated being like, can somebody else just do this for me? Because I'm exhausted and it's so much work. And, like, you know, it's almost like the same as you want to be headhunted in your career, you just want somebody to reach out and be like, I already love you. I've already picked you. Let's just move forward. So I'm sure you probably hear that a lot.
Julie Ferman [00:02:18]:
It's beautiful the way you articulated it, you know, it really is true. And that's what I've been doing all morning. I have some wonderful clients I'm working with right now, and how I do it in my world is when I've got an idea for an introduction, I'll always go to the guy first and check and make sure he's available, make sure his profile is up to date, current photos and all of that. Can you guess why it is that I go to the guy first instead of teasing you with him before I know he's available, right?
Erica Bennett [00:02:51]:
I know the answer. But I'm gonna give you listeners a second to think through it. Why do you think she would reach out to the guy first instead of the girl? And the hard truth is, yeah, we.
Julie Ferman [00:03:03]:
Don't handle rejection very well, darlin that's the deal. And I am the girl. I was the girl. I found my man through a matchmaking process of my own 33 years ago. I can't even believe it's been that many years. So I went to a dating service, and the guy who signed me up and took my money and maxed out my credit cards is the guy I later flirted with, asked him out on a date, dragged him down the aisle before he knew what the hell happened to him. So I know what it feels like to be that girl who can't seem to find the right guy.
Julie Ferman [00:03:35]:
And I'll never forget it. So I think of myself as the advocate for the consumer, like the single person out there trying to figure out how to do dating well, and that's really my passion. Matchmaking is a big piece of what I do, but everything from free to vip, I want people to have solutions. Matchmakers, sadly, are pretty much devoted to high net worth clients who happen to be men. They aren't here to serve us girls. And it hurts my heart. So I do everything I can to plug that hole.
Erica Bennett [00:04:10]:
Yeah, because there was something really interesting that you said, and it's one of the reasons why I resonated with you, because, you know, there's lots of matchmakers out there. I've had the chance to see and talk to a few of them, but one of the things that was so different is right away you're like, look, I can't guarantee a match. I can help people understand what they're looking for. I can help people get clear. But it was such a breath of fresh air because so often I think about the times I was thinking about it. What do they do? We guarantee you a match. We guarantee you this many views. We guarantee.
Erica Bennett [00:04:42]:
And so you're thinking about putting all this money on the line because you think it's going to get you what you want, and there's no more guarantee than you turning on the app or walking to the grocery store and meeting somebody in the frozen pizza aisle.
Julie Ferrman [00:04:54]:
Yeah, it's really true. And so what I love to do, I have over 36,000 people that I've registered privately in my world. That's at https://www.julieferman.com/, and anybody can register. So just already this morning, I've welcomed four or five different men and women. Both. Most of them are in California. One of them is in Santa Fe. One of them is in Brooklyn, New York.
Julie Ferman [00:05:18]:
So wherever they are on the planet, I'm going to take the time to get their profile done, their photos loaded, because you never know. I might have a colleague who's searching for the right match in New York, and all of a sudden, boom, there's this person from Brooklyn that I came in touch with. So all of those things are possible, but the process looks like this. I run the search either for the high level matchmaking client that I've taken on. I'm this person's cupid. I'm this person's love slave, okay? And I have no more than ten at any given time because I can run ten clients myself all by myself. I used to run this thing really big with 300 clients and twelve employees and five physical offices. And let me tell you something, the bigger we do this, the less service oriented it is.
Julie Ferman [00:06:11]:
So I think that really, I think of matchmakers, boutique matchmakers, as kind of like cockroaches. You can't kill us. You just can't. If everything fell apart and I had absolutely nothing except a laptop, I would sit at a coffee shop and put a little sign up that said, the matchmaker's in, and I would just start interviewing people all over again. It's when you do it in a personal way like that, it works. So when I'm doing the introduction, I've got a gentleman named Dario. Right now I'm searching for. And I reached out this morning to Heather to see if she was interested in him, because I know he's interested.
Julie Ferman [00:06:48]:
Fortunately, she said, oh, my gosh, he looks great. I'd love to meet him. So now I'm in the process of getting their schedules aligned so I can set up a dinner reservation for them. I don't share last names. Can you guess why I don't share last names?
Erica Bennett [00:07:02]:
So people are not cyber stalking before the first date.
Julie Ferman[00:07:06]:
Yeah. I like for my profiles, and they are detailed, and they're very transparent. I just don't reveal age. You know, if Dario's looking for up to 59, would I want him to miss somebody because she's 60 or 61? Of course not. So I'll share the profile. The guys learn really quick. They can ask me all day long, how old is she, Julie? How old is she? And I'll say, oh, thanks for asking. You know how I don't reveal your age on your profile? Oh, I love that part.
Julie Ferman [00:07:36]:
That's really good, Julie. And I said, well, I'm not going to reveal hers either. If your lifestyle is mesh, passions, values, key criteria. Absolutely. What the heck? Try the hat on. Have a date. So that's the way I do it. And I also have a lot of introductions that I do for free.
Julie Ferman [00:07:53]:
I call them mitzvah matches. Do you know what a mitzvah is?
Erica Bennett [00:07:57]:
I would only be familiar with, like, a bal mitzvah and just a little bit of that.
Julie Ferman [00:08:04]:
It's from the jewish community. My mother in law coined that term. She was 86, and she said she wanted to meet somebody. And I said, oh, my gosh, Frida, don't make me right. You're 86 years old, goodness sake. And she said, I know you can't promise me an introduction, but if you ever had one, it would be a mitzvah, a good deed. It's like a blessing. So I started doing these free introductions whenever I could during COVID and they've been so incredibly effective and fruitful that I've just kept it going.
Julie Ferman [00:08:35]:
So anytime I do a consultation with somebody, it's a dollar 300 fee for the consultation. I don't promise introductions, but if I can make one happen, I'm going to people who are in my boot camp for 60 days or even the little three day intensive. I try to make introductions happen for them, too. It's how I pick up the slack, because I'm also cautious about taking women on as matchmaking clients. We're more challenging to match because of the attraction piece. When you and I talked first, did we talk about what we call the Adam Sandler effect?
Erica Bennett [00:09:14]:
I don't know if we called it that. Keep going. I think I know where you're going to get to, which is a key thing I wanted to talk about, but I don't know if we put that label on it.
Julie Ferman [00:09:23]:
Well, I remember the first time I saw Adam Sandler in a movie. It was 51st dates with Drew Barrymore, one of my all time favorite movies. I mean, I could see it 500 more times. And any woman, like, at the beginning, I'm like, oh, he's the main guy. He's like, he's the lead. He looks like a dorky, egg headed person, but by the end of that movie, anybody who wouldn't jump on that sailboat and run off with him, I ought to send in for therapy, because seriously, he was great. So in our world, in the world of dating, matchmaking, we've coined this term the Adam Sandler effect. It comes from my colleague Alison Armstrong, my favorite relationship guru.
Julie Ferman [00:10:02]:
It describes what happens with us. Like, we, as women, have a far better ability to develop attraction for a particular guy over time. So the biggest mistake we make as women is discarding or vetoing or trashing or ghosting, blowing off some guy because we're not instantly feeling that romantic chemistry. Biggest mistake we make because I've been asking that question for 33 years. Have you ever met a guy you weren't particularly attracted? You got to know him, and before you knew it, he became adorable and even dateable, maybe even.
Erica Bennett [00:10:42]:
There's been a few in my past.
Julie Ferman [00:10:45]:
My mother used to say, Julie, can you stop bringing home the stray dogs and cats? You know, there's, like, no commonality. Looks wise, but that's a better way to be, because when I asked that same question to over 50,000 men in 33 years, do you have the ability, Jack, to develop attraction for a woman over time if you're not initially attracted to her? Wild guess. What percentage of men have given me the yes response.
Erica Bennett [00:11:11]:
Oh, my God. Maybe 2%.
Julie Ferman [00:11:13]:
It's just that bad? It's less than 5%.
Erica Bennett [00:11:16]:
Oh, my lord.
Julie Ferman [00:11:17]:
Women think, and they tell me every day, that they think it's because men are superficial and shallow, and that's not what it is. It's bigger than that. It's biological. They have equipment that needs to work in order for the species to survive. Seriously, number one order of business for any species is don't become extinct. And I don't know, but I don't think we can really make babies unless there's a particular physical reaction on the part of the guy. So that's actually where it comes from. And even the guy who's 75 years old, who never wants to have another baby, never wants to see another diaper.
Julie Ferman [00:11:55]:
I still can't get him up off the couch or off of his phone or off of NFL football to court a woman properly if there's not a sufficient level of attraction. So that's why I go to the guy first. It saves me from saying, hey, you know what, Erica? I got this great guy. What do you think? You say yes. He says, not so much. Who else have you got? And then I got to come back and tell you that, oh, that's bad. That's really bad. So that's why when there's a suitor knocking on your door and you're a woman and he's interested, he's attracted, he's available.
Julie Ferman [00:12:33]:
Look, very closely to see if he has your most important critical criteria. Not more than three or five. Can you guess the qualities that usually end up on that critical criteria list? Erica, from a woman? Yes.
Erica Bennett [00:12:48]:
Oh, I think her first list probably, actually, I don't think her first list is very good till she gets coached. I think it's probably, like, somebody who makes me laugh, somebody who is supportive. Right. Like, there's some broad, general strokes that she's making. I see people also put some limitations around, like the type of job. I want them to have a good job and make six figures. Right. Like, they.
Erica Bennett [00:13:12]:
There are these categories that I would say are almost superficial as to what really matters. Until you learn how to dig deeper than that.
Julie Ferman [00:13:21]:
So true. It's why you and I will always have a job. There's so much confusion, and especially with the dating apps, the way they are right now, they keep serving up. I've studied the algorithms and how they do what they do, and they keep serving up the popular people. Why do they serve up the popular people? Because it keeps people coming back and paying more. Yeah. So what we. I don't care how long someone's list can be.
Julie Ferman [00:13:55]:
It could be that a woman or a man might have 45 qualities, characteristics, attributes they love to see all packaged up in one person. I don't care how long it is, but especially during that initial in depth consultation with me, we get very clear about what's most important. The top three things. These are like, the three things. If the person's super cute with lots of goodies to bring to the table, maybe four or five. Okay, but what are the five things that you would rather be single for the rest of your life than partner with somebody who didn't have that? Almost always. For a woman, the number one thing is related to character. Integrity, honesty, sincerity.
Julie Ferman [00:14:38]:
Like somebody who's a word you can trust. I don't know about you, but I'd rather be single for the rest of my life than partner with somebody who wasn't honest, who didn't have integrity. That's usually the first one. The second one almost always has something to do with kindness, thoughtfulness, supportive. You mentioned this is somebody who actually cares about other people, not just our narcissistic qualities. We all have narcissistic qualities, but do they take us over? And then there's usually something along the lines of fun and play like, makes me laugh. I love that term. You and I both know women who cannot be made to laugh well and.
Erica Bennett [00:15:23]:
Like, being in the mood to laugh is an internal job. I mean, if you start your day like I was, you know, I used to play games with the universe. I still do, but I'd play and I'd wake up and be like, what do I want to experience today? And I was like, today, I just want to laugh. I just want to laugh today. And thing after thing after thing would show up, right? Like a random conversation or. It wasn't like, jokes. It wasn't somebody trying to be funny. But I found what I needed that day.
Erica Bennett [00:15:47]:
And so if, you know, like, expecting somebody else to make it for you, it's if you are in the receptive mode to be in a lighthearted mood to laugh about things
Julie Ferman [00:15:57]:
I love it. And it's all related to the law of attraction. And when we set ourselves up to find something, to see something, it could be, I'm looking for a blue blouse to go with these slacks that I just got. All of a sudden I'm paying attention and I'm noticing blue blouses. Right. I just got pregnant, okay? I'm looking at baby strollers everywhere. I see women with Big Bell. I didn't just get pregnant. I'm 63.
Julie Ferman [00:16:23]:
I'm done with all that. But you know how?
Erica Bennett [00:16:26]:
Yeah. This is what happens. You want it, you think about it, you see it everywhere.
Julie Ferman [00:16:31]:
Yeah. And part of the, I'm kind of the dumbest matchmaker on the planet because I really want people to do everything else first. Because even matchmakers, I don't care if you spend $50,000 to hire a matchmaker, they're not going to be able to promise you a relationship. They're not going to be able to get you on the second date. They're not very often we can get the first date, but if something doesn't go right or somebody's not inspired, I'm dead in the water. So I like to coach people to do everything else first, including a lot of flirting. I'm a great flirting coach. And the way you said, okay, I want to, this is a day I'm going to have a lot of laughter.
Julie Ferman [00:17:11]:
I charge people with the responsibility, go out there, run your errands, and count how many smiles you can bring to people's faces. How can you crack other people up? I'm the queen of this. I just have been doing it for so long. I can make ten people crack up in one grocery store visit. I just love to do it. I wouldn't send people out to do things that I won't do myself. So if you're going to do online dating, do it right. If you're going to be out there looking to make magic in your own community.
Julie Ferman [00:17:44]:
Learn the skills that we need to flirt.
Erica Bennett [00:17:50]:
Hey, there. It's Erica, your guide at the crazy ex Wives club. I want to take a moment to express how much your feedback means to us. Your ratings, your reviews, they are like fuel for our journey together. They not only brighten our day, but they help other women find the support and the guidance they need. Leaving a rating in review is super easy, and it makes a world of difference. If you're listening on Spotify, simply scroll down to the bottom of the podcast page, and then tap on rate. If you're tuning in on iTunes, head over to the podcast page, scroll down, and click on write a review.
Erica Bennett [00:18:23]:
It only takes a minute, but it could help someone else find this podcast and change their life. Your voice matters. Your feedback helps us grow. So take a moment to share your thoughts and experiences. Together, we can help spread the word to support even more women. Thank you for being a part of this journey. Let's continue to support each other and make a difference one review at a time.
Julie Ferman [00:18:47]:
Do you want to hear the three levels of flirting?
Erica Bennett [00:18:50]:
Yes.
Julie Ferman [00:18:52]:
I want, especially women, to get really good at this. Do you have more women than men who listen to your podcast?
Erica Bennett [00:18:57]:
Yeah, almost all women. There's a. The men are growing, but. And it's funny because the men are like, okay, I actually. I'm finding something in this. And I'm like, well, duh. I know, know because it's about being a good person. But, yes, primarily women.
Julie Ferman [00:19:11]:
So the three levels of flirting, I teach it in my boot camps. Every time I get a chance to do a consultation, we work on it. The first level is what we call turning the cab light on. You know, it's like it's eye contact and smiling. Men are begging me to beg women to do this, especially since the me too thing happened. And then on top of that, we had Covid with the masks and everything. Really good, mental. Don't want us to feel preyed upon.
Julie Ferman [00:19:38]:
I have a son like this. He's 29. He used to be real flirtatious, and he would just walk up to people. He doesn't do it anymore. And it's because of the reaction that he's gotten from some women. It's not your fault. The women who are listening, it's not their fault that a whole bunch of other women have shut men down, given them the wrong phone number, giving them a phone number, but then they never respond. After a while, guys just quit.
Julie Ferman [00:20:05]:
So it is our job to turn the cab light on. So you see an interesting guy. You smile, you look away, you look back, you smile again. Then he knows the smiles for him. Start doing it. You get more comfortable. Then he knows you're nice. If he's attracted to who she is, he's nervous about walking up to her, and so she has to give him that invitation, or it's not going to happen.
Julie Ferman [00:20:30]:
Then there's like the casual conversation you've had, the eye contact. Maybe you're at Starbucks. Maybe you're going to go up and get something else at the counter. You don't even need it, but you want to walk by the table, right? So you make eye contact. You start talking about nothing. You know, he's got a book on his table, or he's got a newspaper that's been half read. Hey, I didn't get to read the paper today. Are you done with that section? Maybe I could borrow it.
Julie Ferman [00:20:55]:
Anything. Do you happen to have a pen? I lost my pen. It doesn't matter what it is. It's what we call dropping the hanky. You get into a conversation, but the most important part is what I coach women to do all the time, and that's to have a calling card. It's not a business card. It doesn't have your last name on it. It doesn't have anything on it that can be googled.
Julie Ferman [00:21:15]:
And I encourage women to google their phone number, Google their first name, their last name. If I'm Julie Matchmaker and I just put that into Google, am I findable? I don't want you to hand out information that gives the access to the value of your home, where you work, nothing like that. That would keep us from giving the card out. So some people use a Google voice number. Some people use something called the burner app, which I think is $5 a month. It disguises your phone number. Everything on your calling card should be private and anonymous so that you can say, nice to meet you today. Fun to bump into you today.
Julie Ferman [00:21:55]:
Here's how to find me. Oh, and by the way, my friends and I plan some really interesting parties. If you happen to be single, we'll invite you. That's how you find out if he's single or not.
Erica Bennett [00:22:05]:
Yeah, and I like that. I always needed a card. Not even just for dating, just when you're out, right? You meet interesting people. You are networking. You know, you're at your kid's school, and you're trying to gather information from people. It's just. I mean, we can do a lot of it on our phone, but I think we also get lost in it. So having.
Erica Bennett [00:22:23]:
Having a quick and easy way for you to have. This is just enough information to start the conversation. This is just enough information to get something going and moving forward.
Julie Ferman [00:22:33]:
You know those times where you've met somebody or you kind of crossed paths with somebody, and it seemed really intriguing, but you didn't know what to do, and you didn't know how to do it, and you got back to your car, and you're like, darn it, I should have said something. I should have done something. Men and women, it's happened to both all the time. So buck stops here. You be the one who says, I'm glad we bumped into each other together today. Here you go.
Erica Bennett [00:22:57]:
Yeah. Well, and it's so funny because it's not about the tool, it's not about the. I don't know how to say this. I'd be completely wrong. It's not necessarily about the pool, but it's about the behaviors you're doing, right. Because all it takes is one good match, one good person, right? And so if you haven't done the work prior, these things that Julie's talking about, right. If you're not comfortable in who you are, if you're not comfortable engaging with random people, if you're not out just smiling and laughing throughout the day, you know, you get to that first date and you don't know what to say, and you're kind of locked up, and you can't get to the second date. And so there's all this work that has to get done before you can say, okay, great, I'm ready.
Erica Bennett [00:23:43]:
You know, because you could find your match on any of the apps, on any of the services in the grocery store. But if you're not ready for it, it's not the right time. So getting clear, you know, those critical criteria, moving beyond the normal stuff, I still laugh, you know, I wrote my list out, and I was like, I want him to be super independent because I don't want somebody to make me feel guilty anymore about wanting to do what I want to do. And I'm super independent. And then I got Mister independent, and I was like, good lord, I asked for this.
Julie Ferman [00:24:16]:
That's what Alexander calls the front of the hand and the back of the hand. Women, they want to be a guy with super successful, super strong, super masculine in charge. He's a. Well, guess what? You better be pretty adaptable and pretty flexible to be with a guy like that, because an alpha guy does not want to come home to an alpha female. He wants to come home to what he calls a soft place to land at the end of the day. So it's a mistake for us women, especially if we're independent, strong, successful, accomplished, get things done, kind of controlling our world beautifully. It's a mistake for us to limit ourselves only to the alpha guy, you know, super successful. That guy wants to call the shots, and he doesn't want to have a lot of.
Julie Ferman [00:25:06]:
He doesn't want to come home to an argument or a wrestling match.
Erica Bennett [00:25:10]:
Right. Or learning, you know, yourself, I see a lot of women when we have had a step into that role in your job, in your corporate world, you had a lead, and you had to lead a team, and you had to make the decisions, and you had to do a lot of those masculine behaviors. I had to work on. How do I lead in that role? In my business, I lead in my business. I am the alpha. In friendship groups, it can flex, right? But when I'm home, when I showed up still wearing my alpha hat to my alpha partner, it was button heads, right? And I was like, what is going on? Oh. Because I'm still trying to control things. I'm still trying to lead things.
Erica Bennett [00:25:47]:
Instead of finally being able to take off that hat and be like, huh? I can just let go. I know that he'll take care of those details, and he'll help move through it. And one of the big things, you know, in finding your person is, like, men do love to deliver on what you're looking for if they know what you want. And that's why, like us women, we don't always know what we want or changes. So often they'll happily do it if you know what you want and you can communicate it clearly in a. In a respectful manner.
Julie Ferman [00:26:18]:
Thank you. That's what they need. We are so much more complex, so much more complicated. And guys want to make us happy. I love that they try so hard to do that. And we are in their way so very often, because either, like you said, we're not really clear about what we want, or we are, and we just think he's going to guess it, he's going to know it. No. No, they don't.
Julie Ferman [00:26:45]:
What the secret to doing well with men, and really, what's the word I'm looking for? Like, empowering men. We have the power to do this. The power to empower by looking for what's beautiful and wonderful and fanning that flame and applauding it. Men never get compliments. They never get compliments unless it's from their mother or the woman who's their partner. And even once a woman is the partner, she tends to stop with the compliments, you know, so we want to be looking for what's right and noticing it, acknowledging it. Look at you. You found the table in the corner.
Julie Ferman [00:27:26]:
It's really hard to get tables here. Look at you. Thank you. And you wore a collared shirt. Oh, my goodness gracious. Those little things that we can do that let him know that we appreciate it. If he says, I want to get together on Friday night, any kind of date you're thinking about, oh, well, I'd be happy with this, this or this. Let him know.
Julie Ferman [00:27:46]:
He doesn't know if you want to drinks date or a dinner date. He doesn't know if you're snooty and need to have the dinner date. A lot of guys don't want to do the dinner date.
Erica Bennett [00:27:55]:
Yeah.
Julie Ferman[00:27:55]:
Could we be happy with the drinks date with a coffee date? I was doing a great podcast interview with a guy named Hunt Etheridge. He's a dating coach, and he's awesome. And he was telling me about how men, when they're together, they aren't across the table from each other, looking into each other's eyes. They're playing together. They're sitting next to each other at the bar. And it's an easier way for men to engage in eye contact. Takes it way back to it's threatening. And so if we can be walking side by side along the strand in Santa Monica, better to have a date than sitting in a fancy restaurant where the guy is totally on the spot.
Erica Bennett [00:28:43]:
Absolutely. So we've talked about, first, know what you want. Define your critical criteria three to five. We talked a little bit about being flexible, and I think that that's warrants a few more things. You know, Julie, you had shared, like, don't your black and white lines of how old they need to be or what job they need to be in or all of those pieces, right. You know, I chose to look at different qualities. You know, I stayed open. Did I still have wants and needs? You know, again, this was also at the height of 2020 when my TikTok was a thirst trap of construction men walking around without their shirts on, trying to get the million followers right.
Erica Bennett [00:29:26]:
So we all have wants and needs. And as a woman, there are other pieces that become more important. You know, it becomes more important than the physical appearance, like in the attraction, grows differently. There is that physical attraction, there is that desire. And then this thing grows underneath of even deeper desire. And love and passion in a different way. But be flexible, ladies. The amount of crazy criteria that I've heard, which is fine, but ask yourself why that criteria is important.
Erica Bennett [00:29:58]:
You know, like, why does it really matter?
Julie Ferman [00:30:01]:
What does it provide for you? Now, if somebody has a high degree of honesty, integrity, if they're communicative, what does that provide for you? Wow. I feel safe. I feel like I can trust. He's trustworthy. That is huge. That's way more important than is he five, nine or 6ft tall? It's way more important than does he out earn me? The more masculine we want our men to be, the more feminine we need to be in order order to have it be a complementary match. And what are the feminine qualities? Well, receptivity, vulnerability, flexibility, the ability to listen. Shut up.
Julie Ferman [00:30:48]:
Let him finish his sentence. Make sure he's done with what he wants to say before we jump in and hijack it. Little things like that. I want women to pay much more attention to. How does a man relate to money then? How much does he have? How much does he earn? If you think about partnership, lifelong love, we're talking about in sickness and in health, in richness and poorness, like, all of it. He may have a great job today, but two years from now, the world could change and that job could be gone. Are you going to leave him? You know, it's funny. Women think that men are commitment phobes, and two thirds of the divorces in this country are actually initiated by women.
Julie Ferman [00:31:33]:
So if men are slower to commit or cautious about committing, it's because they know a little bit more about commitment than we do. We can be conditionally committal, like, oh, yeah, I'm in till I'm not feeling it anymore, loses his job till he cheats on me, till I don’t feel attracted to him sexually anymore, you know? And then how many women in 33 years of doing this work, have come to me looking to change horses in the middle of the stream? They threw the guy to the curb for whatever the reason. There might have been great reasons in her mind, but she's looking for another guy. And what's so bizarre is the list of qualities that they're asking me for. It's the same damn list as the guy she just divorced. The more money he has, the better looking he has. The taller he is, the more charisma he has, the more likely he is to have narcissistic tendencies. Why? Because these guys get all the attention and they get spoiled.
Julie Ferman [00:32:36]:
So I don't care if you go out with the IT guy. I don't. But give the other guys a chance and pay attention to how you feel. Does the IT guy call you back? Is he responsive? Is he interested in you? Or is he talking about himself all the time? Pay attention to all these little things and date both guys. Keep your pants on. You've talked about oxytocin on your podcast, right?
Erica Bennett [00:33:02]:
No, we have not. Yes. You guys cannot jump into bed because it releases a whole bunch of other shit in your body. That makes it really hard to make a logical choice and to walk away.
Julie Ferman [00:33:13]:
That's right.
Erica Bennett [00:33:15]:
Keep that level out of it until you figure out if you like this person or not
Julie Ferman [00:33:22]:
and if you respect Him and if he respects you and if you have his key criteria. I always say that the simple thing about sex is keep your pants on. You can't get in a whole lot of trouble if you keep your pants on until you've had a conversation about what sex means to you, both of you, until you've talked openly in the light of day before a glass of wine about primary dating purpose. So, Bruce, here we are looking at having a date. Met you on Match.com. isn't this fun? We're having our first phone conversation. So why are you dating? What are you looking for? Are you just having fun? Are you playing around meeting fun people? Are you looking for the one to keep forever with no attachment to the answer? It's the only way we'll get the straight answer from a guy. And you don't want to say, do you want to have kids? Do you want to have kids? I'm looking to have kids.
Julie Ferman [00:34:10]:
You want to have kids? I'm looking to have kids. Tomorrow. So many men will say, sure, I love kids. Yeah, absolutely. You know, they can't even think about that until they've met a woman who inspires him to make that level of a commitment. So when we've got the cart before the horse and we're asking him, well, what are you looking for in the next three months? In the next six months? How about the next year? Do you expect to have a baby in your house in the next year? Oh, man. Guys are just gone. It's the reason why so many men will hesitate to seriously date a woman who's in her late thirties, right around 40, early forties, and she is hungry to have a child.
Julie Ferman [00:34:50]:
The guys are like, I don't know what to do with all that. Introduce me to somebody under 32. Not that those women are available. Right. Ready? So it's really complicated, and you can make better choices if just like what you said. You keep your pants on until you've talked about what dating, the purpose for dating, what sex means to you. Got to talk about STD's. Oh, my gosh.
Julie Ferman [00:35:14]:
So many people walking around with herpes and they're not talking about it, and they're having sex, and then guess what? That person got it, too.
Erica Bennett [00:35:22]:
So not fun. So not fun.
Julie Ferman[00:35:24]:
But this is just reality of today's world
Erica Bennett [00:35:27]:
And that's why it's so important. Like, as you guys are moving into dating, it's a responsibility. You have to be able to stand in your knowing of what you want, what you expect in a relationship, and be able to communicate it and be able to walk away if that person is not on the same level of what you're looking for. So if you're asking those questions about are you looking to find somebody to date, or are you just casually dating? And you can pick either one. There's no right or wrong answer, but you have to understand that the one you pick is the one that they're showing up for. You can't hook them into one and try and convert it to another one. And you've got to be able to say, hey, doesn't quite like casual dating. Doesn't really work for me.
Erica Bennett [00:36:10]:
I kept trying. I kept failing. So I just was like, it's not my style. If it's your style, that's fine. But that also means we're not getting naked until we're, like, figuring out what's going on. Because I'm not sleeping with the five other people that you're sleeping with. Right. So standing in your knowing, being able to communicate that, and I can't say enough for being honest.
Erica Bennett [00:36:32]:
We demand it of men all the time. You want transparency and knowing who else they're dating and what their intentions are. And my ask would be is, are you as clear with them? The amount of stories that I hear about women just showing up to use men for free dinner, for free drinks, why do you think we've gotten to where we're at? And again, it changes one person, changing the behavior to create a shift in the society and the dating culture that we've created. So it is possible you just keep your open mind and you keep showing up, staying true in your own, knowing of what you're looking for, and you have the conversations and you reach out and you stay open to see what's going to show up.
Julie Ferman [00:37:12]:
That's right.
Erica Bennett [00:37:13]:
Yeah.
Julie Ferman [00:37:14]:
So are your people all over the place? I want to make sure they know how to find me if they want to participate. Yeah.
Erica Bennett [00:37:20]:
Because I was going to say in our last few minutes, I wanted to make sure that you let the listeners know how they could find you. And then about the little freebie that you had for everybody, the opportunity, which is really, really cool. So they are all over, primarily in the US, but there's some international popping up. Primarily women, though still majority women.
Julie Ferman [00:37:41]:
So anybody who comes from your world, I want to know them and I want to have them in my world where I can watch over them. So it's free, it's private to be registered, it's http://julieferman.com And just say you came from Erica's crazy ex Wives podcast and I'll reach out to you to offer an opportunity for us to have a complimentary call together. I'll help you get your profile done, then you'll be eligible for referrals. I do a lot of introductions for free and I don't wait for somebody to become my high level client in order to consider them for introductions. Also event invitations, all kinds of things. If I can't find you, I can't invite you and I can't refer you, right.
Erica Bennett [00:38:20]:
If you never leave your house. So, you guys, the information, Julie's website link is in the description of the show. It's also on thecrazyxwivesclub.com. we've got it linked there, too. We'll put all those directions in there because I want you guys, if you are getting ready to date or you're out there dating and it's not quite working, I want you to go check out her website, check out her free community. She does offer some education programs, too. She has a bootcamp, which is really great to set you up for success mindset wise before you jump into dating. So a lot of really amazing resources.
Erica Bennett [00:38:52]:
So you guys, all the information is in the show notes and the episode description for you. Julie, thank you for joining us today to talk about finding your person.
Julie Ferman [00:39:01]:
You're so welcome and thanks for having me. I love the work you're up to and it takes a village of great dating coaches to fix what's going on out there in the world. So thank you for being in partnership with me. The same goal, right?
Erica Bennett [00:39:14]:
I am super passionate about helping us correct this dating polarity storm, this chaos storm we got going on. So until next week, you guys, give yourself grace. I assign you to laugh tomorrow. So set a little goal at the beginning of your day that you just want to find more reasons to laugh and then enjoy yourself. And until next week, take care. And that's it. Another great episode of the Crazy Ex Wives Club, a podcast for women learning how to heal from their divorce. Tune in next week for more advice and tips to help you figure out life after divorce.
Erica Bennett [00:39:52]:
And until then, give yourself grace. Do the best you can and know that this is all part of the process.
