S2 EP8: Stories from the Other Side with Dr. Kinga Mnich
Nov 29, 2023
Tune in this week for another Stories from the Other Side.
This week, host Erica Bennett holds a deeply insightful conversation with Dr. Kinga Mnich, an award-winning international social psychologist, educator, and speaker specializing in emotions, positive psychology, bio-hacking, and gender, AND a fellow divorcee.
Dr. Mnich shares her experience with divorce and its impact on her journey of self-discovery. This episode emphasizes learning from the challenges of divorce rather than succumbing to victimhood.
It also explores five key areas for alignment in a relationship and the relevance of clear communication.
Tune in to grasp how to cope with divorce's emotional journey and learn tools for healing, where love never ends, it just changes.
Full Transcripts Below
Learn More About This Week's Guest: Dr. Kinga Mnich
Dr. Kinga Mnich is an award-winning international social psychologist, educator, and speaker, specializing in emotions, positive psychology, bio-hacking, and gender.
Her work solves the myths of emotions by breaking down the complexity of social & cultural concepts tied up inside emotions.
Through her extraordinary research, she brings new ways of understanding how we can use emotions and communication to be who we want to be, create impact and flourish in life and business.
Additionally, social justice and gender equality have been at the forefront of her work. That’s why she has been involved in social entrepreneurship for almost 20 years now.
She founded the Ahimsa Prison Yoga Project in South Africa, co-founded EcoBrick Exchange and Ziva Voices - HerStory in the Making. Ziva Voices is committed to collecting women’s stories, amplifying their voices, and providing a network to connect women worldwide and closing the gender gap in media and data.
Grab a free copy of Ziva Voices and let us know if you want to write for the magazine. www.zivavoices.com
Stories from the Other Side with Dr. Kinga Mnich Full Transcripts
Erica Bennett [00:00:00]:
Hey, guys. Welcome to another episode of the Crazy Ex Wives Club. I'm excited today to have Dr. Kinga with me. She has a PhD in emotions, you guys. How crazy is this field of study? And not only that, but she herself has navigated divorce, and she is here to tell her story and shed some light on her transformation journey to help you guys as well. So super excited. Let's get started.
Erica Bennett [00:01:05]:
Hello, Dr. Kinga. How are you today?
Dr. Kinga Mnich [00:01:09]:
Hi, Erica. I'm fine. Thanks so much for having me. How are you?
Erica Bennett [00:01:13]:
I am doing well. I'm super excited about our chat today. We recently connected. We were introduced through a mutual friend. We sat down to have our first little networking chat, and it just kept expanding into such fun and deep conversations that we both were like, oh, my gosh, we have to go, but we want to keep talking. And so I knew I wanted to have her on, not only for her passion and her area of expertise, but also because she, too, has navigated divorce. So as our transformation story and sharing the other side of how she made it through. So thank you for joining us.
Erica Bennett [00:01:52]:
Let's start with - tell us your story. What was your story of marriage through divorce?
Dr. Kinga Mnich [00:02:00]:
Well, that's a very fast start, I have to say. How about I start from the end, honestly, because I think that's how we jumped on it. We started talking a little bit about divorce and how it goes for a lot of people. And if I recall correctly, I said to you, "my divorce really was great. I loved getting divorced."
Erica Bennett [00:02:29]:
That is what you said. You said, "gosh, it was so easy. I actually loved getting divorced." And when you said that, I was like, oh, you need to be on. You need to come on.
Dr. Kinga Mnich [00:02:41]:
So it's really interesting because indeed, I had to actually text my ex husband today because I needed something from him for some documents, as it happens, right? Because when you get divorced, you don't necessarily get divorced forever. Most of the time there are either some assets that you continuously share or children or other things. I mean, I've traveled the world, moved around the world multiple times and every time when you are immigrating or going somewhere, people do ask you for your divorce papers, for example. So it's not the clean cut. It's not erased.
Erica Bennett [00:03:16]:
Right.
Dr. Kinga Mnich [00:03:17]:
The previous relationship is just not erased out of our life. And I think that's the reason why it's so important to navigate through that phase, not necessarily by being humble, but with some grace and empathy for one another and really recognizing everything that you shared with one another to the point where you're like, okay, you know what? We are not getting along, but there was something before, and we have to honor that. And that's really what was the case for me and my ex husband. We reached a point I was the one that said, I would like to have a divorce. It wasn't him. And he first was trying to navigate around it and say, "hey, maybe there is a different option." And I was very much like, no, this is it. I do have to say we were almost together for ten years in total.
Dr. Kinga Mnich [00:04:08]:
Not married, but together. And when the moment came, it was incredible. Like when I said, I want a divorce, it was just like this huge weight lifted from my shoulders. And I've heard that from so many people. It was crazy to the point that I had really bad eczema and acne. And 30 days after me saying that I want a divorce, my skin completely cleared. Yeah.
Erica Bennett [00:04:38]:
It's so interesting how when we don't listen to what our intuition is trying to tell us, and we fight it, I did it, lots of people do it. Right. We're not ready to really look at what it's trying to tell us. It shows up in a wide variety of physical manifestations that something is out of balance. You're not listening to something. And when you can get to that emotional root and be able to move forward, it starts to shift as well.
Dr. Kinga Mnich [00:05:07]:
And it's so interesting because I was studying emotions and the psychology of emotions and any dynamic behind it at that stage for, I guess, almost ten years. So it's so funny because it's nevertheless so difficult to implement it in your own life and take that look at your own life from a different perspective and say, wait a second. Everything that you've learned and everything that you're using with other people, you have to start using it for yourself. When I said I loved getting divorced, it was really from a perspective of I thought it was a great experience to go through, to understand what other people are going through, to understand the moments of friction, and then take that additional breath in order to not escalate it. And it's so interesting because I've seen it, and I've seen it also with clients. And that's not what I do. That's not what my focus is of my work. But I do accompany sometimes clients through their process of divorce.
Dr. Kinga Mnich [00:06:12]:
And even though some people have the support, they nevertheless still go ahead and escalate it. And the only person that wins in this whole escalation thing is the lawyer. Let me put that out there. It's really the only person that wins is the lawyer because both parties that are involved in it are going to be paying for it no matter what. And depending on which country you are in, it's going to be more expensive. I mean, I've seen couples really destroy one another financially for something that was just really rooted in pride, in the inability to also admit, I'm 50% of this and 50% of that has been either caused by me or overseen by me. And yes, there are stories where someone cheats on the other person or even does it for quite some time, or a person just falls in love with someone else and they keep it a secret and they're not open about that. Yes, that is very hurtful and it's really problematic.
Dr. Kinga Mnich [00:07:24]:
But nevertheless, I always try to say to people, you know what, take a step back and ask yourself, does this matter in the long term? Like, in the long term when you are 80, 70, 90 and you're looking back at your life, does this moment matter? Or how can you bring yourself to it where you are able to let go of it in such a way that it's not going to be destroying everything that you worked for?
Erica Bennett [00:07:50]:
Yeah, there's really two big pieces that you shared in there, right. Is one, that it served a purpose. It was a beautiful chapter in your life. You did love that other person. You just reached a point where it was supposed to be a chapter, not a lifetime. That there was a closure that needed to happen. And when you can embrace that, this is how it was meant to happen. And yes, there are painful pieces, and yes, betrayal can create a lot of extra pain and long term work to heal, but hey, it served something. Either it taught you something or it taught you what you didn't want, or it brought you kids or it brought you through adventures, but it's okay to let it go so that you don't end up destroying each other.
Erica Bennett [00:08:32]:
I do want to call out that I'm sure that's going to be the one clip that goes insanely viral where you're like, look, the only person that wins is the lawyer because, yes, right, we've all heard about the divorce. That was $40,000. That was multiple six figures. And it's because they're stuck and hellbent on destroying each other and fighting over ego based things a lot of times, right? About fighting over proving that you were right or justified or vindicated so, so powerful.
Dr. Kinga Mnich [00:09:00]:
Or just like, fighting over something. Like, I've done more work than you, and therefore you need to give me more. And it's usually not about that. Usually someone is trying to close the pain that this divorce is creating with money. It's like is this belief that if I get the bigger portion, I'm going to be able to fix that gap that is within me. And so, of course, it takes both sides, right? My ex husband, it took him a while to also get over it, but at the same time he knew that I wasn't trying to harm him. We were just at the stage in our lives where I was like, I really don't want children and you do. And you were envisioning this more so traditional family that I've grown up in.
Dr. Kinga Mnich [00:09:56]:
And he didn't. And I had that maybe therefore I never had that need. I had a need for freedom and adventure. And so in my mind, that didn't work. And look, we are both remarried, right? We're both remarried. We are both really happy in where we are in life. He is remarried and with two children. It's what he wanted.
Dr. Kinga Mnich [00:10:19]:
And I'm doing the things that I want to do and have a gorgeous husband that is supporting all my crazy ideas and also has no need for kids and has a similar understanding of how we see life. And this is just possible because we were able to say goodbye to one another and we were both crying in that moment. But at the same time, it was in our twenties. I traveled the world with him together. I mean, the stuff that we did in our 20s, if I wouldn't be appreciating that and pointing it out, it would be crazy. Just to kind of like showcase, hey, I had to get a divorce because for whatever reasons, right? And has been of course also a couple of years since the divorce. And if you would have asked me a year right afterwards, I would have come up with a couple of stories why I needed that divorce. And there were certainly a couple of labels involved in it describing him. But I think a lot of it was also to justify it socially.
Erica Bennett [00:11:25]:
Yeah, there is a really big need to justify or defend why it happened. And I think that that goes back to as women and men are a little different, but as women, I saw my divorce as a failure, right. I couldn't make it happen. Even though we had grown apart, even though mine did include betrayal. Even though there are all these reasons, right. I actually spent a lot of time not telling anybody that there was betrayal because I knew that then culturally it would be, we need to hate on him, he is wrong and you instantly need to leave. And I was choosing to fight for it for two years, trying to figure out how to make it work. But even afterwards, once it was done, I found myself in that same place of I need to tell stories to justify why it was right for us to be done, why he's to blame.
Erica Bennett [00:12:17]:
It wasn't me, it's not my fault. But there's issues on both sides. There are things I could have done different. There were things that I contributed to it that I've learned and taken into my next relationship. But we so often have to make one person wrong and one person right.
Dr. Kinga Mnich [00:12:31]:
And it's so interesting when you're saying that also because of course it wasn't your wrongdoing that he cheated on you, right, that you did not partake in that decision. It wasn't like "hey honey, I want to cheat on you. Sure, go ahead." But there are other things that happen between people where someone just doesn't feel anymore that connected to that relationship and maybe they are going through their own pain. They are going or carrying some trauma from their childhood and they are just not able to be honest and say in that moment "listen, I think we need to separate or we need to pardon because I'm just not feeling the commitment to this relationship anymore." And here's the thing, it also has quite often very little to do with love. And that's something that sounds so interesting because I remember when someone there were two occasions so we got a divorce in South Africa and so in South Africa there are multiple ways how you can get a divorce. But one of them is basically you prove that there's no longer love in the relationship.
Dr. Kinga Mnich [00:13:39]:
And so when you're in court, the judge reads out the phrase that due to XYZ circumstances there is no longer any sustainable love between A and B. Right? That just made me cry because that wasn't true. Love has so many different facets and love is such a cultural and social construct that we created and an idea and a connection. It's not an emotion. By the way. That's the other thing. And someone telling me that there is no love and I'm like that's not entirely true. There is no romantic love.
Dr. Kinga Mnich [00:14:21]:
There is no love that wants me to be with this person here and do things. There is no love that wants me to compromise any longer.
Erica Bennett [00:14:34]:
Yeah, I think it goes back to we think that divorce means that there's no more love and that's not it. I agree with you. I have still a profound love appreciation for who that person was when I knew them. I also don't think I know who they are today anymore because we don't have that relationship. Because that part has done. But love never ends. That's why we grieve. Right? That's why grief is tears and emotions that have no person left to put them on.
Erica Bennett [00:15:08]:
Okay, well that person is gone. Well, that version of who I had fallen in love with was gone too. And so there's still grief. But the love changes into something else for me. He brought me my child. Right? We had all these years together. You had your adventures. It was really cool to hear of that. Process because obviously that didn't happen in the US court system.
Erica Bennett [00:15:28]:
They could care less. It was a functional data point of sign some paperwork. But I think it really makes you wonder and reflect on is divorce the right option? If they're sitting there asking you and saying, is there no more love? Is there nothing left that you can build off of in this?
Dr. Kinga Mnich [00:15:44]:
Yeah. And it's so interesting because we have in Germany a system where when you want to get a divorce, you need to be separated first for twelve months. Right? So there's a separation for the twelve months and the reason for it is supposedly that quite a few number and I don't remember anymore if it was 20 or 30% of the people basically get back together and figure it out. If they do take separation, get support and so on. I found that quite interesting and I do think that that's certainly the case. I do have to say that I do think that for some people, separation before actually going back and making decisions over how you split assets, for example, and how you also restructure to take care of children or however, if you take the distance from one another, I think that a lot of people would cool down. I think that a lot of people would be able to take out that heat and the anger and hurt and then see it just for what it is, right? We are breaking up right now. This is ending. It doesn't matter what the reasons are for it at the end. Wouldn't you agree? I mean, when you are coming to the conclusion that you are getting a divorce, does it really matter who did what right?
Erica Bennett [00:17:03]:
We were separated for two years. I think that having a required separation break can be really helpful if the separation is done with the intent to try and heal and figure out who you are and what you want and if this marriage is still what fits that same need. Because so often we get married and we lose our own individual identity. We put aside our identity for the whole and so the separation is like, okay, you're individual again, who are you? What do you want? What do you want in a relationship? And I think a lot of people do separations as a hall pass. Oh, I can go date. I can go sleep with whoever I want. And I think when you put something shiny and bright and new that doesn't have all the years of resentment or poor communication, it's really hard to ever come back to it. So, like you were saying, if it's done right, if you get help and support and therapy and move through and use it as a process of self discovery, I think it can change the trajectory of a lot of people that are set for divorce because they get that space. I remember when we were separated, I got to travel a lot for work. Like the universe had a plan for me and I in that first year we were separated, went to Japan twice, went to London twice.
Erica Bennett [00:18:15]:
Like I had big long two week trips that I didn't normally have and in that space I could take a step back from the immediate pain. Right. The immediate issues that were going on. It wasn't in my face all the time that we weren't together. I could kind of drop backwards, that could all soften and I could just have some space to be okay with me and find some little things that brought me joy and do what I needed to do. It really made a world of difference, of getting clear on who I was and what I wanted. Which is what eventually helped me to say like "this is not working, we don't want the same things."
Dr. Kinga Mnich [00:18:52]:
Yeah, that's really interesting but I mean also with separation, it's not just about separation and to see if you find back to one another but also separation in order to get that distance. Right. So what you're saying what you found for yourself even in the process of knowing, you know what, in twelve months time we're going to meet again and we're going to meet in this office and come up together with a divorce agreement. I think that separation helps because you are distancing yourself from the immediate hurt and pain. And like with some people and I've seen it, some people, they act out of the pure fear and flight. But also some, I feel like sometimes they allow themselves to almost go insane over it and play a victimhood in the scenario. And that's really dangerous because then you're just blaming and the moment you go into that blame spiral, you're not taking accountability. But you're also not that you're not just taking accountability for yourself.
Dr. Kinga Mnich [00:19:55]:
You are also not giving yourself the fair chance to admit what is important for you. What is it that you want, what is it that you need and make the decisions on what are you negotiating with that partner in that moment? And I am also since then a big, and I did not have a prenup, but every time when someone's getting married, I'm saying make a prenup not because you are intending to get a divorce, but because now you are in a clear headspace and it's so much easier. If you get to that point and if something like that happens, you're not going to have to go through the emotions and everything that is attached to the difficulty of separating, of getting a divorce because it's already there. So you can actually even more so with more beauty allow yourself to, you know what, indulge in the pain and feel it.
Erica Bennett [00:20:52]:
I love that and I think yes, because when you separate then the in your face pain is not there so much so that when you come back a year later, you can look at it with a little bit more of gratitude or appreciation or just being neutral. You don't even have to get to a happy place yet, but you might just be less inclined to try and hurt somebody. You hear all the stories about I was just talking to somebody, and they were sharing a story like, oh, yeah, my brother's getting divorced, and the former sister in law won't give him the TV. She doesn't want the TV. He wants the TV, but she just won't give it to him because she's so hurt. And so we get in this little fighting back and forth, and I do love the concept because had you told me 20 years ago or whatever, oh, get a prenup, my reaction would have been, well, one, we don't have massive money that we need to protect, and two, that's not real love, right? Because culturally, we think you have a prenup because you're expecting it to fail. But if instead you're saying, hey, we're actually in a really good place, we love each other, we respect each other, we want to work together, now let's figure out how we divide our assets. That's a much different conversation than when you're heated with all the years and the layers of pain that brought you to the point of needing to get divorced.
Dr. Kinga Mnich [00:22:04]:
On a different perspective. Also, and I'm sure that a couple of couples therapists would agree with it, and also financial therapists. I think discussing a prenup is a really good way of learning to understand one another's financial needs and financial understanding. During my divorce process, I came up with a concept where I said, there are five areas in life that, with your new partner, you have to align with. If those five areas don't align, it's not going to work.
Erica Bennett [00:22:37]:
Hey there, podcast lovers. It's Erica. Are you a proud member of the Crazy Ex Wives club? Well, I have some exciting news for you. Introducing the Crazy Ex Wives Club merchandise now available on Etsy. You can show off your divorce pride with a fantastic range of items. We've got everything from tumblers to sweatshirts, t shirts, mousepads, koozies bags. You name it, it's in there. And they all feature our iconic podcast logo and those witty, kitschy phrases you love.
Erica Bennett [00:23:08]:
So whether you're saying not crazy, just divorced, or giving a warm welcome to the club, our merchandise has you covered. It's time to celebrate your newfound freedom with style. Head over to Etsy. Today, search for the Crazy Ex Wives Club shop, and then grab your favorite item. Let the world know you're proud to be a member of the club. All right, what's the five? Yeah.
Dr. Kinga Mnich [00:23:33]:
So number one is children. Yes or no. That's usually a non negotiable 100%. Yeah. Second one is religion.
Erica Bennett [00:23:42]:
Yes.
Dr. Kinga Mnich [00:23:43]:
Or you find a way to respect one another. I mean, we have a couple of friends where someone is a Muslim, and the other part is Jewish. We have that and it works. But there are usually people that travel a lot, they've been around and they practice it more from a cultural perspective than from a spiritual perspective. And I think that's why it works. But if you're really spiritually involved in your religion and your partner does not want to go to church and he does not want to go to the synagogue or mosque or whatever, I think it's going to be really difficult. The third one is I think that you need to share one hobby with one another. I've seen a lot of people say that, no, as couples, you need to keep your independence and all of that.
Dr. Kinga Mnich [00:24:23]:
But I think that it's important to have one thing that you have in common so you can have a meaningful date night. Not just something where you go out and eat with one another, but something where you indulge in art and music and biking or running or whatever it is. At least one thing that you both feel passionate about that now, the fourth thing was the parents of your partner. I think that they need to like you. And I know that's a difficult one because and I'm saying that this is now a very generalized picture and a lot of us have some frictions with parents and some people have bad relationships with their own parents and they're like, I couldn't care less about my parents opinion. I give you that. Fine. But if you have a good relationship with your parents and your parents don't like your partner, you are going to run into trouble.
Dr. Kinga Mnich [00:25:18]:
And the funny thing is also here's something that I've learned over time and I find really interesting that in cultures where you have arranged marriages and not forced arranged marriages I just want to point that out but arranged marriages where also the partners that are being married to one another agree with the concept. They often work pretty well because the parents look beyond that initial fire, the butterflies in the stomach, they look more into the compatibility with one another. So yeah, the fifth aspect money. You need to have a similar understanding of how you're saving, how you're spending, what is valued to you, what is of value to you. I've watched couples where one likes very expensive sports cars and the other one imagines to retire at age 55 and therefore is penny pinching on anything that they can. So there's no judgment. You can live your life however you want to, but if you and your partner don't understand your common goal, and I've seen it also, some people then keep their bank account separate and that also works for some. But I believe understanding and you can do that, right? But as a couple, you still have one pot together.
Dr. Kinga Mnich [00:26:44]:
How are you going to be managing that pot?
Erica Bennett [00:26:46]:
So I think that those five are so crucial. And to be honest, I wish that I had had that prior to getting married, because those are the big five areas that you figure out once you're in the marriage, are we aligned or not aligned? You probably mainly kind of ask, do they want kids? Like, I was like, oh, well, I want to have kids. Do you want to have kids? But we never talked about how many. We never talked about what that really meant. Was somebody going to stay home? Were we both going to work? Money was definitely one. These are the hard conversations to have in life anyways, right? And where's the money going to come from? And how are we going to divide it? Are we going to have one account? Are we going to have separate accounts? We didn't have any of those conversations because we totally, like you were saying, led with the butterflies. Led with the butterflies in your stomach, which, by the way, can be good and can be bad. They feel the same way.
Erica Bennett [00:27:35]:
It just depends how you want to interpret it. And so once we got into it, then you're in it, and now you got to figure out what you're going to do about it. And so we definitely found that those areas created some of the bumps unless we let them go. Like, he was not religious, and I was raised Catholic, but I was not church religious. I was spiritual. I could find my own way, but it still created some bumps. So being able to sit down and you can't have those five conversations with somebody, that's probably a big red flag. That's probably like if you can't even talk through these when you guys are in a good space, how do you expect to navigate them when the water starts getting a little rough? I love those.
Dr. Kinga Mnich [00:28:16]:
Even when it comes to your like, I love my parents. I have a really good relationship with my parents. I mean, we travel with my parents all the mean. We were just in Morocco, and my mom is coming for weeks alone because my dad is still working. My mom's retired, and so, nevertheless, I do have friction with my mom. It has, over the years, become much, much better because we've both worked on it and she has worked on specific things. But I do want my partner to then not be just on the one side or the other side. Right.
Dr. Kinga Mnich [00:28:47]:
It is kind of like, also the person that can communicate into both directions. There's one thing that I do want to say about the divorce. The reason why I loved getting a divorce was when I'm in a relationship, I'm in the relationship, I'm not looking at anyone else. It's kind of like there's something happening in my mind, and it's just like there's a lock. It's like, this is your partner, you're done. Now you can focus on something else.
Erica Bennett [00:29:11]:
Yeah, I do the same.
Dr. Kinga Mnich [00:29:12]:
Yeah. It's like the energy. It's like I. Don't have to know waste energy for something else. But in that separation time and all of that, I'm not the person that flirts. But there were so many people that would flirt with me, and it was just so cute. And I don't know, it was such a nice experience to be just out in the world and seeing that you are being seen by strangers. And not in a weird way, right, but just like, really like, hey, I see you.
Dr. Kinga Mnich [00:29:46]:
You're taking a piece in this planet. And I don't know, I really enjoyed these moments, I have to say. I really enjoyed also speaking to other people and this lightness just kind of like having you have conversations in a different way when there's no one on your side, right?
Erica Bennett [00:30:06]:
When there's nobody, because that's the same thing. Like, every time I travel now, this is pre relationship, but every time I travel, magic. And it'd be these amazing conversations with whoever, whether it was the server or whether it was the Uber driver, and it'd be big life conversations and all this magic, and it just was because it was two people enjoying life, and there was no pressure or how it had to show up or who they had to be. But I do love you told that story when we were first chatting about breakfast in Bali. Like, you were just loving life. You're just out there loving life, enjoying yourself. You're not flirting, doing the eye contact, doing the wave. No, you're just loving what you were at.
Erica Bennett [00:30:43]:
And the gentleman came up and was like, you look so happy, I just want to buy your breakfast, like, no strings attached. I love seeing you happy. And I think that's the kind of magic when you find yourself, which often happens by getting divorced, is that you have to figure out who you are and what makes you happy without the condition of a relationship. Because a lot of times we get into a relationship to say, oh, this person makes me happy. This person has to act a certain way for me to be happy. And when we let go of that and we just find that we are just happy with the choices we make and who we are, the world rewards that.
Dr. Kinga Mnich [00:31:17]:
Yeah, I agree with the whole part of you giving yourself, actually the chance again to find yourself. And how many of us did get married in early 20s, mid 20s, started a relationship? And so the 20s are such a crucial time. It's such a wild time, right? Because you feel like you're invincible now. You're coming out of university or you're in your first job, and you feel like, I can do this. The whole world is open and I can have this career. And you're going through all these moments that are just really making actually now who you are. And you get to choose so many things, and everyone is still giving you the permission to make mistakes. It's a beautiful time.
Dr. Kinga Mnich [00:32:03]:
I think the 20s is a really beautiful time. And in that time, what happens is that you're really changing so much. And so when we then come to that conclusion, hey, we are no longer compatible with one another. Let's give one another grace. And of course, for some people it takes a little bit longer and so on. But yeah, I think also if you were before married, and it's unfortunately not the case with everyone, but I've seen it now with many that I've spoken to that have been married before and then are in a second marriage, if you took the time to reflect and learn from it, I think it makes you a better partner. Because you can also understand this is how I'm reacting. These are my triggers.
Dr. Kinga Mnich [00:32:46]:
This is what I was doing. This is how I was negatively influencing the relationship. Right. And this is what really matters to me. Besides the five areas, this is the form of communication I need sometimes. Some time. I don't have that with my husband. But I've been in other relationships where someone would bring up something that happened six months ago.
Dr. Kinga Mnich [00:33:10]:
I have no clue what you're talking about. If something is happening, it bugs you, say it now or tomorrow, but don't come up with I get very defensive in these aspects. And my husband and I, when we got together, he was also previously married. We had this list, and we put together a list, and we said, this is what's important. This is what we want to promise one another. And it is different than just the promises that people make to one another in the first marriage. Like, I will be always on your side, and I'm not trying to minimize it, but if you reflected and you worked on yourself and you're taking lessons from it, you can be more precise. And the more precise communication is, the better our relationships are.
Dr. Kinga Mnich [00:33:59]:
And that's not just for marriage. Right. But the precision is really the key to a lot of the things.
Erica Bennett [00:34:04]:
Yeah. And I think that that is such a beautiful note to close our session on today, you guys, that when you're going through the divorce, you're either going to learn from it or you're going to become a victim of it, but you have the choice. And so being a victim of it, continuing to play that card of, oh, he did this to me, or, I didn't deserve this, or, My hand is hard now because these things happened to me. You can choose to embrace it and say, yeah, I was given this new set of conditions. I was given this new set of things I had to figure out. Right. All of a sudden, midlife, losing the second salary, losing the stability of it, having to move a house.
Dr. Kinga Mnich [00:34:47]:
Yeah.
Erica Bennett [00:34:47]:
You had to change a lot of things, and you got through it to be able to show up differently in future relationships. And I completely agree with you. Showing up with my non negotiable list is now much more clear than it was prior, because prior, I just figured I would just talk him into making the changes that I wanted because I would know best. And now it's like, hey, it's a non negotiable that the gym is important or a sport is important or it's non negotiable. That exact example of, like, if you got a problem, you bring it up within 24 or 48 hours, but you show up a week later or six months later, being like, remember that time that you said this thing that pissed me off? Nobody remembers that, and we've all made those mistakes. And so it's about taking that chapter and learning from it. And I love your story and how you moved through it and all of your insights that you shared with us today.
Erica Bennett [00:35:43]:
So thank you, Dr. Kinga, for joining us, for being here and sharing your story for listeners. You guys will be back next week with another great episode. Until then, give yourself grace. Allow yourself the space to do the healing and find something that brings you joy. We'll talk to you all soon.
