S2, Eps5: Mastering Boundaries for Your Best Self: Breaking the Cycle of Over-Extending

 

In this episode of The Crazy Ex-Wives Club, host Erica Bennett delves into the complex world of boundaries and self-care. Erica explores the gradual process of establishing boundaries and the challenges that come with it.

Listeners learn how creating a daily, weekly, and monthly boundary list is just the first step in prioritizing their own needs. From the dangers of being too rigid to the pitfalls of always accommodating others, Erica shares her own journey of finding balance and setting healthy boundaries.

Through key lessons and practical tips, she empowers her audience to take action and prioritize their own well-being. Join Erica as she helps listeners redefine their boundaries, prioritize self-care practices, and ultimately become their best selves.

 

See below for full transcripts.

 

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Boundaries for Your Best Self: Breaking the Cycle of Over-Extending: Full Transcripts

Erica Bennett [00:00:33]:

My boundaries were shit. They were terrible. And if you had asked me that a few years ago, I would have told you I had the most amazing boundaries. I was so helpful. I was always willing to take on more. I felt like in my marriage that I was trying to do all the things to give him the space to figure out what he needed to do. Yeah, that's because I had no flipping idea what boundaries really were. And until I got my hands on a great book all about women who love too much, how we love and love and give and give in hopes that then these people will need us so we can't leave, or they can't leave us, I didn’t realize that's not boundaries.

 

Erica Bennett [00:01:20]:

And then I tried playing around with this idea that like, okay, boundaries are “I need to be clear and ask for what I want”, so I just need to tell him how he needs to treat me. And guess what? Then he didn't do it. And I was like, what the hell Boundaries?!?! I thought you were supposed to work. I thought I just had to define you and tell you how I wanted to be treated. And then you were going to show up differently. That's not boundaries either. So we are going to explore what boundaries really are and set you up for success to start the process of creating better boundaries in your life.

 

Erica Bennett [00:01:55]:

Boundaries are a thing that takes time. Just because you start to explore and research and try and understand what boundaries are doesn't mean that all of a sudden tomorrow, you're going to have fixed all your leaky boundaries. It doesn't mean that all of a sudden, you're going to shift everything overnight. Boundaries are an awareness. It's a process of you being aware of what you need and speaking up for it, prioritizing it. It's not about saying no. So let's bust this myth right out of the bat. Healthy boundaries means the ability to say no.

 

Erica Bennett [00:02:31]:

Wrong. Healthy boundaries means that you're able to pick and choose what you have the capacity to take on. Okay? Boundaries are not just about being like, no, that's not something I can do. No, that's not how I want to be treated. Boundaries are not these black and white prison wall, right? It's not this big hard line drawn in the sand that if you cross this line, that's it, we are done. That's an ultimatum. Boundaries are more like a white picket fence around your yard. Boundaries help you understand what you need, almost like the space that you need around you to be your best self.

 

Erica Bennett [00:03:19]:

If you think about this white picket fence around your house, the house is you in the middle, what are you going to fill your yard up with? What are the things that you put in your yard that you love to play with, to deal with, to maintain? Things that take your time. Mowing the grass takes time. Do you have flower beds? Do you have a garden? Do you have a play set? Do you have an outdoor patio set or an outdoor kitchen that needs to be cleaned? Right. What have you put in your yard? Well, your fence gives a nice perimeter of how much you're maintaining. These are all the things that I like to have around me. And can people come and go through them? Yes. Can people see what's on the other side? Yes.

 

Erica Bennett [00:04:00]:

And can sometimes people jump over and take things they weren't supposed to? Yes. But then we adjust. Right. A boundary is an understanding or a defining of what you need to be your best self. For me to live as happy as I can in my little house, I need pretty green grass and I need a patio set and I need an outdoor kitchen. But then I have to be able to maintain those things in my life. I have to be able to say, “what do I need time wise or money wise or anything to be able to keep those things making me happy?” So boundaries are not a big wall that you draw. They are not a line in the sand that says if you cross this, you're getting the boot.

 

Erica Bennett [00:04:51]:

Let’s talk about the second boundary myth. A boundary is set so that somebody else acts differently around you. False. A boundary tells you how you're going to act. Let's just let that one sink in for a hot second. Because we have all been raised to believe that when I set a boundary, it defines how you are going to treat me and you better treat me the way that I establish in my boundary. But the reality is that I set up a boundary and say, this is how I want to be treated in my life and in my relationships, and if you don't treat me that way, I leave. I remove myself from a situation that no longer fits within the boundaries I have created for myself.

 

Erica Bennett [00:05:44]:

And I think that this was the one. This was the one that was the biggest light bulb for me that went off the fence analogy. I was kind of understanding it. I understood that it wasn't a hard and fast definition of like a yes or no, this is what you do. I got that part. I didn't quite understand why when I said what I wanted, it didn’t happen. For example, honesty. This is a boundary of mine.

 

Erica Bennett [00:06:10]:

You cannot lie. I have zero tolerance for lying. Still true to this day, even little white lies, even little fibs, zero tolerance in my life for that anymore. So, when the other person continued to lie and I was like, oh, I established this, I established this boundary, you are now not supposed to walk across it because we are in a relationship. And I said, no lies, no white lies, no anything. And here you are, you're still doing it. And he didn't change, and I didn't change. And until I said, oh, you're still lying.

 

Erica Bennett [00:06:45]:

I'm removing myself because that is a non-negotiable. That's a boundary in my life. Now I'm taking myself out of this situation. I think the second myth we have is that people think boundaries are all about defining how other people act. And boundaries are about defining when you are going to act, what are you willing to put up with and not put up with, and when are you going to walk away. And those are your boundaries, you guys. So why are boundaries so important? Well, this season is all about helping you get your feet underneath you, right? Getting grounded again. And the first step in that is you have to be able to repair you. You have to be able to repair your vessel, right? You can continue to put more water in a bucket, but if there's holes in the bucket, it's just going to flow out.

 

Erica Bennett [00:07:36]:

You can do all the wellness and the self-care and the massages and the quiet time, but if there's a hole in your bucket, they just flow right back out. And you spend your time being very busy trying to repair your energy when it's just continuing to run down the drain. The first step is all about repairing your vessel. And the only way you can do that is to create healthy boundaries. Boundaries are kind of like the shell of that bucket, right? They're the material that's used to hold you together. When you're looking at your boundaries, when you're looking at the material you want to use to hold this vessel together, there are good and there are bad boundaries. I've already shared that. Like, no, my boundary is no.

 

Erica Bennett [00:08:31]:

I say no. That's actually not really the best boundary to pick. I don't want to say it's unhealthy because, yes, there are times when you need to say no. But overall, just saying no to things is not necessarily a healthy boundary. It's super important that you repair your bucket, that you fix the holes in your bucket, and you do that through healthy boundaries.

 

Erica Bennett [00:09:08]:

So bad boundaries are not only just being rigid, right, and saying no all the time, being inflexible, but bad boundaries are also being too nice, too helpful, too always going to people please, always going to pick up the work that somebody else doesn't do. That is just as bad of a boundary as something that's too rigid. Let's think about this. Let's keep on with our bucket analogy here. If you used a water balloon as the material for your bucket, right, and as you put more things in it, what happens to that water balloon? It stretches and it stretches, and it stretches. And can it take on more? Yes. And eventually it snaps, and it explodes all over the place. I myself am super guilty of that one. I was always taking on more.

 

Erica Bennett [00:10:03]:

Yes, I can do it. I was an overachiever, right? I was a people pleaser. I was a type A. I was going to get it all done, which meant that if somebody else didn't do it, I took it upon myself to make sure I could. And so, when I really reached my limits, I snapped. I exploded. I was so far past how much I could take on that I had no choice but to just kind of, like, pop and be all over the place. So being too helpful is also bad boundaries.

 

Erica Bennett [00:10:33]:

Now let's go the other way. If you had your bucket and you used something super rigid like you made your bucket out of cement, that bucket can't grow. That bucket can't change. That bucket can't reach a point where it can take more on because, guess what -nothing else fits in it. It stays the exact same size, in the exact same shape all the time. When you're creating your boundaries, you're doing this so that you're able to maintain what you need to be your best self while also being flexible enough to change with the seasons, to change with the different demands that are coming up. Right? There are different demands on you in the summer than there are during the school year if you're a working single parent. Right? There are different things we need to continue to adjust our boundaries to.

 

Erica Bennett [00:11:28]:

So repairing your vessel doesn't just mean you're saying no. Don't be a concrete bucket. Don't be a water balloon. Be right in the middle. Be right in the middle of a material that's pretty well set. It knows what it can take on, but it's got a little give. I think about like, a plastic bucket, right? Sometimes it stretches just a little bit more, but it doesn't break. Eventually it's like, OOH, I can't do any more, and the excess water flows away. Boundaries are simply non negotiables in your life.

 

Erica Bennett [00:12:07]:

They are things that you define that make sure you can be your best self every single day. What do I need to be my best self, Erica? Then sit down and think about it, right? Make a list. Make a list of what sets you up for success, what things make your life feel better. Now, one of my non-negotiables, one of my boundaries, is having some sort of body work done, right? Like a massage, therapy, cupping, acupuncture, acupressure. I need that in my life. And I operate better when I go in for some sort of body work appointment every three to four weeks. I haven't been in for a while, so I hadn't been on a regular body care regimen outside of going to the gym.

 

Erica Bennett [00:12:57]:

I'd been walking, but not like massage stress relief type body work. I'd been off my flow for a lot of years. And so when I started going back in and even right now, I'm still going in about every three weeks. Now, the goal is to get this spaced out. The ideal time when I used to do this regularly, the ideal time was right about five weeks. At about five weeks, I've built up enough tension in my body again that I need to be back in on the massage table getting some work done. Right now, because I have put this off, because I let this boundary get laxed, this non-negotiable, I let it go. And what did I do instead? I took on more work, I took on more stress, and I carry that in my physical being that right now, I need to go in more often.

 

Erica Bennett [00:13:41]:

My boundary a non-negotiable is that I need to set aside my money and my time every three weeks to get into my body care person, feel better after every single session. Transformed. I'm seeing that shift the rest of the way that my day goes. Another boundary for me being my best self is I know that I need to have some sort of physical activity. I really like going for walks. I really like squatting at the gym. I really like heavy lifting. I'm putting that with an asterisk in there because some things are shifting, right? This is a boundary that's shifting for me.

 

Erica Bennett [00:14:18]:

It's a non-negotiable that used to be very driven by heavier is better, and it felt better in my body. And it's a boundary that's shifting right now. But I can sit down, and I can make a list of ten things that I need in my day, my week, or my month to make sure that I am my best self. And they are things that can encompass food, it can encompass movement, it can encompass social time, it can encompass rest and stillness. Right? It's really all those areas of wellness. What do I need in each of those buckets to make sure that I am my best self? Because when I'm my best self, then I can better care for other people. When I'm my best self, I can give more to other people. When I take on more and think that I'm helping them out by extending past my boundaries and what I'm able to take on, it eventually backfires, right? It's like a rubber band that comes back and snaps you on the wrist.

 

Erica Bennett [00:15:14]:

It sucks. Knowing that when you take care of yourself and prioritize yourself, then you're better off for everybody else helps you move forward in defining what these boundaries are so they're non-negotiables. I want you guys to sit down and write a list. What are the things that you need daily, weekly, or monthly to be your best self? The crazy thing is that when I first launched this boundary program two, three years ago, that was the hardest step for everybody. People had built such a busy life with kids and with work and with school and with after school activities, right. The natural progression of what happens in life, that they had built so many things in that they couldn't even tell me what were the things that they needed in their life anymore, because their day to day was filled up with so many things that they had to do versus want to do. So your first step is you have to make your list. You've got to get aware of what do you really need to be your best self.

 

 

Erica Bennett [00:16:54]:

All right, you guys, so let's talk about my four steps to creating better healthier boundaries. Because here's the deal.

 

Erica Bennett [00:17:36]:

Boundaries are baby steps. Boundaries don't happen overnight. Just because you've listened to this, just because you sit down, and you make your list of my daily monthly sorry. Daily, weekly, monthly list of what you need to be your best self doesn't mean that tomorrow you wave a magic wand and your partner and your kids and the dog and everybody now knows exactly what you need. Because the reality is that you have built a life with the boundaries that you currently have. There's going to be a little bit of time, a little bit of work for you to carve back out some of these boundaries, these non-negotiables that you need, especially if you're like, the majority of us. Most of us ladies out there tend to prioritize everybody else's needs over our own. This is going to be a hard lesson to learn, but I am telling you that when you get to the other side oh, my Lord, does it feel good.

 

Erica Bennett [00:18:29]:

It changes everything. In fact I can think of an example right now. I was working with a client and she was like, “oh, I have to go. I have to go to this family birthday this weekend.” And I was like, “no, you don't.” She's like, “what? Yes, I do. Everyone would be mad.” So what? You don't have to go. I'm going to call you out on that kind of stuff.

 

Erica Bennett [00:18:50]:

You guys, if you have to go. I mean, to be honest, cross that word out of your vocabulary. It is just so energetically icky. Like, I have to do something. No, I'm choosing to do something every single day. You are choosing how you want to feel, how you want to act, what you want to do, where you prioritize your time. You pick that and you can make the argument and be like, well, no, Erica, my work says I need to be here from this time to this time.

 

Erica Bennett [00:19:17]:

Well, yeah, they do, but you could quit. Oh, but then I don't have any money. Okay, but then this is a choice. Everything is a choice. Nothing is because something else is doing something to you. It doesn't mean that it's going to fix itself instantly, but it means that you can start to make choices that better align with what you want in your day. If you hate your job, start making the choice to move towards something you want. Get clear on what you want.

 

Erica Bennett [00:19:45]:

Start taking action. Right? Are you interviewing? Have you updated your resume? You are never at the mercy of having to do something forever. You have a choice in everything you do. So this client, oh, I have to go to the birthday party. No, you don't. You can tell them that. You are so bummed you're going to miss it, but it's just not working out for you. Are you going to have to deal with the backlash? Yes, you are.

 

Erica Bennett [00:20:10]:

But maybe that's easier to deal with than spending an entire day with the family and coming home exhausted and depleted. What boundary do you need around your family, around your friends, around your work? Again, you guys, these are non-negotiables. What do I need from this relationship so that I can be my best self sometimes? I got some friends. I just need a little more space. Love them dearly. Love being with them. Cannot be with them seven days a week. There's nothing wrong with that.

 

Erica Bennett [00:20:41]:

We're just different frequencies, right? The first step as you're working to improve and create better boundaries is to be aware of your emotions. You have got to get present enough to be aware of how you are feeling in the moment. What's making you mad? What's making you happy? What's making things work? What's making things not work? Right. Like, you have a choice to continue to feel exactly how you're feeling if you wake up in the morning and the first feeling you have is, oh, I have so much to do. I am already behind that emotion feels gross. It feels heavy. It feels exhausting. It feels like you're never going to be able to dig yourself out of the hole that you're currently in.

 

Erica Bennett [00:21:26]:

It also didn't change any of the work you had to get done. If I start my day and instead I say, okay, today I'm going to move the marker. Today I'm going to get some of those things done off my list. I'm excited to be able to tackle some of the projects. Feels a heck of a lot better, doesn't it? Doesn't that feel like excitement? Doesn't that feel like accomplishment? Doesn't that feel like a little bit of a healthy competition of how you want to tackle what's on your plate? It didn't change the number of things on the plate. It didn't change how many things you got done that day, but it changed how you felt about it. It changed how you looked at it. And when you change how you choose to feel about something, it changes the behaviors that follow.

 

Erica Bennett [00:22:08]:

Now, instead of dreading having to log on and check the work emails, you're like, heck yes, let's get this done. Let's get through the 15 minutes. I start my day checking my work emails, okay, heck yes. Let's cross something off the list. Your first step to creating better boundaries is to just be aware of your emotions and then consciously choose how you want to feel about it. You are never at the whim of somebody else or something else. You guys, you choose your feelings every single day. Now, the second part is now you have to be aware of what thing caused it to feel that way.

 

Erica Bennett [00:22:47]:

So, for example, back in the day, before I could control my own schedule completely and when I was still running my child to school and trying to get into the office and sometimes having early morning work calls. Well, I knew that if I was on a work call while trying to get him fed and on the bus and out the door and all that good stuff for school, guaranteed we'd be fighting in the car, like yelling, so pissed at each other, he'd be procrastinating or forgetting stuff or not moving through it. I'd be super short and frustrated. Why? Because I was trying to do too much. I knew that if I multitasked right out of the gate, it set the day up for failure. Two people, one going to school, one going to work, both feeling like crap because they just got in a fight with each other, right? No one won that day. So what did that mean? That meant that I had to create a system that enabled me to not have to multitask, or if I knew I was going to have to multitask, because sometimes I couldn't avoid it. If a call was scheduled, the call was scheduled.

 

Erica Bennett [00:23:53]:

It meant that I got other things done prior? Right. Did I run through the night before that everything was packed in his bag and that it was at the door and that we knew what we were having for breakfast, so that while I'm on the call, I don't have to be multitasking. Step two is become aware of the thing that's causing you to feel that emotion. And that was an example of like, OOH, it made me feel not good. But be as equally aware of the things that make the day go better. What makes or breaks a good day for you? Sitting down, enjoying my matcha collagen latte for breakfast makes my freaking day. I love it. And double makes my day when it's in one of my favorite cups.

 

Erica Bennett [00:24:36]:

So then I cleared my kitchen ou t of any cups that I didn't like. Why was I holding on to all of these cups that I didn't love. I never used them. But if somebody came over and I needed extra cups, screw that. You guys. Get rid of the cups that don't spark joy. What do you need in your day that makes you happy? My favorite cup, my morning matcha latte.

 

Erica Bennett [00:24:58]:

If I can get out and get a quick 15-minutes walk in to start the day or a 15 minutes meditation, those things make my day. Not having to multitask, right? Being able to be present until my son gets out the door for school, all those things set my day up for success. Now, when I first started this process, that meant I created behaviors a little differently. I'd stay focused on my son in the morning, especially when he was younger. That meant I worked later in the day. I still had commitments. I had to figure out how to rework my schedule so that everything got done that needed to get done. Well, eventually, I desired not staying up so late.

 

Erica Bennett [00:25:35]:

I wanted to get up earlier. I wanted to get things done before he woke up. I started to identify new things that set me up for success. It helped me well when my son was a baby. I actually got up and got through my shower before he woke up, because me having to shower and get ready for work and pack lunch and pack a work bag and manage a baby didn't go well. I just made sure I always got up and got through all of my routine, and once I was done, it was time to wake him up. I created a system that set me up for success.

 

Erica Bennett [00:26:08]:

Step one, be aware of your emotions. How are you feeling? Step two, what caused you to feel that way? What happened to make you feel good or to make you feel not good? What was making or breaking your day? Step three, it's time to take action. Baby steps, you guys. Baby, baby. Baby steps. Start to carve out the time that you need. Again, if you are running meetings or you have a job that you are on phone calls from eight until five, you cannot tomorrow just decide to show up at 10:00. It doesn't work like that.

 

Erica Bennett [00:26:42]:

I mean, you can as I just told you, you can show up that way. It's not going to end well for you because there's an expectation. So what can you do? Can you carve out five minutes in the morning to be present with yourself and do a little five-minute meditation or a five-minute mindful coffee? Like, hold your coffee cup, breathe in the aroma of that coffee or that tea and just be present. Drink it, feel how warm it feels. Feel how it feels in the body, right? That's a mindfulness practice. That's five minutes in the morning, maybe at the end of the day before you have to jump into dinner. Do you need to take a 15-minute shower? Do you need to rinse off and reset? Do you need to go for a walk after work? What do you need? And start carving out those new rituals, right? If you want to get a body work massage every three weeks, get it, girl, get it. I'm telling you, I go see body care workers more often than I see doctors. And there's a reason, right? The healthier I maintain my body, the less symptoms and treatments that we need.

 

Erica Bennett [00:27:51]:

But take action. Step three is to take action. And again, I cannot stress it enough, baby steps, and then what might happen? Maybe set yourself a goal that for 30 days you're going to give yourself an extra 15 minutes in the morning to just journal or be present or sit quietly before you have to hear somebody yell, mom, where are my whatever it is. At the end of 30 days when you've found a new normal around carving out that 15 minutes, add another one. Can you add 15 minutes in the afternoon for a wellness walk? Can you add five minutes before you go to bed to reflect on your day and find the best thing that happened to you? Those five minutes, I promise you, will transform your life before you go to bed. Start at the morning, forgive everything that irritated or pissed you off throughout the day and then find the one best thing, the best thing that happened to you. Thinking about that right before you fall asleep will change the quality of your sleep. It'll change how you wake up the next day.

 

Erica Bennett [00:28:49]:

It'll change how you choose to see the world. But I digress. So step three. Take action. Start to carve out the space for the things that you need to be your best self. Because guess what? You guys, the rest of your family, your friends, they're not all of a sudden one day just going to be. Like, oh, did you need an extra five minutes? Let me do that for you. They don't know. You know. You are the only person who can set up and prioritize your time to take care of you.

 

Erica Bennett [00:29:18]:

It doesn't mean that other people don't care about us, but they're caring about themselves, as they should be. If we each spent time trying to maintain our own healthy, happy selves, guess what? We'd be happier with everybody else, and we'd have less issues with everybody else. It's not about doing more for other people so that they're happier with you. It's about you taking care of you so that you have more abundance and love to share with them. All right, and step four. Step four might be my favorite one. It's reinforce. Your boundaries are not going to be the same for your entire life, let alone for a year.

 

Erica Bennett [00:29:52]:

Your boundaries will change multiple times in the entire year. For me, my rituals are constantly changing depending on where I'm at mindset wise, where I'm at energy wise, and what I'm trying to get done right. There were seasons in my life, like when I first left corporate. So left corporate, no more 40 hours a week job. It was delightful, by the way, you guys, if you ever get that kind of a break. Oh, my God, was it amazing? Could do whatever I wanted all day long. I didn't have to worry about anything. Everything was taken care of.

 

Erica Bennett [00:30:24]:

That meant that I woke up and I got my son to school, and then I drank my coffee, and then I went for a 45-minutes walk. And then when I came back, I did some yoga, and then I did a meditation, and then I did a visualized journeying on the couch while I laid down. And then I'd be like, maybe a second cup of tea, and I just got to float. Okay, well, now there's a partner in their, school, and there's a podcast launching, right? And there's a new class in business taking off. There's a lot less time to be that flowy in my world. So I had to adjust what my boundaries were. I had to adjust what I need for my best self right now? And to be honest, some of the things I just didn't need anymore. I did not need that much quiet time and that much space because I had healed.

 

Erica Bennett [00:31:15]:

I needed a ton of quiet time and space because I had let my boundaries go. I was out of balance. I was depleted. And so, then I needed more. And as I recharged, as I replenished, as I came back to a neutral state of balance, I needed less of it, and I could create different boundaries. I'm back into working back in. Like, I dropped off with my walking, and I really miss that. It's like a meditative walk for me every morning and then in the evening after dinner.

 

Erica Bennett [00:31:47]:

So that I can unwind from all the stuff. This is really important. I got out of the habit of it. I'm putting it back in. Reinforce them. Flex when you need to flex. For example, I shared trying to get my son to school and multitask. Yes, sometimes I had 07:00 a.m calls.

 

Erica Bennett [00:32:04]:

Yes, sometimes I had to do it. But if I know that I was going to have to flex one of the boundaries for my best self that I have for my morning, it meant that I worked in extra time to bring myself back into balance. I wasn't going to let myself go days without resetting and getting back to that place. If I had a 07:00 a.m call and I didn't get to have my five minutes of matcha collagen latte to start my day or if I had a multitask on the call while getting him to school, so I was a little frazzled, it meant that I booked off or I blocked a 15 minutes block for me to sit quietly, to meditate, to breathe, to listen to a song that I liked, to go for a quick walk. Something that brought me back to my best self. I reinforced what I needed, right? I changed things that I was doing. I shared the example of I was not waking up early, I was sleeping in and working late because I tend to be more creative late at night. And that worked for a while.

 

Erica Bennett [00:33:05]:

Focus on my son in the morning and work, and then I'd work sometimes till two in the morning. Well, eventually that didn't feel so good anymore. That did not help me create my best self. I was waking up tired, I was waking up exhausted. I felt like the whole day was over before I got anything done. I shifted my boundaries. I started getting up earlier. I started putting some things before I got him on the bus instead of after.

 

Erica Bennett [00:33:27]:

I started making sure that I started my yoga practice at night at 930 instead of 1130. I created new boundaries. New boundaries are systems that help you change your behavior so that you can maintain your best self. As you're looking at your boundaries, you guys, as you're looking at what do I need to change. If you're sitting there and asking yourself, or you're sitting there and you're just like, oh, I'm just not happy. Am I happy? In moments. Yeah. Am I liking stuff? Yeah. But overall, is life just meth? Take a look at your boundaries.

 

Erica Bennett [00:34:11]:

Take a look at the systems you're creating to prioritize your own needs. How are you putting your needs first because you can't take care of other people until you've met your own needs. This is not selfish. This is merely saying for me to be my best self, for me to be delightful and pleasant around you, this is what I need. And if somebody is unwilling to acknowledge that or unwilling to partake in that, then maybe that's not where you need to be. Your homework is to do a little work on your boundaries. First step, how do you want to feel? Be aware of your emotions and then consciously choose, how do you want to see these things? Do you want it to continue to be heavy? Or can you shift into a lighter emotion like appreciation, excitement, gratitude, even just neutral, satisfied. That's still a more positive emotion.

 

Erica Bennett [00:35:09]:

One, decide how you want to feel. Two, start to identify what sets you up for success. What makes it the best day ever? What makes it the not best day ever? Right. Three, baby steps towards action. Start to carve out the time that prioritizes you. What do you need? Do you need a weekend away once a month? Do you need a massage? Do you need social time with your girlfriends? What do you need? And then four, reinforce the boundaries. So yes, you're going to have to flex. Yes, other needs are going to come up, take a look at it and say, okay, is this a short-term flex? I need to wake up early for a call.

 

Erica Bennett [00:35:46]:

That means I'm going to work in some extra time to find balance again. Or is this a seasonal time? It's snowing out. Maybe I don't want to walk in the morning because it's snowing out and I want to walk in the afternoon when it at least raises above zero here in the great Midwest. What do I need? And then reinforce it. Continue to reinforce. Flex those boundaries. You guys, boundaries are so misunderstood because we have been taught to think that a boundary is a hard line.

 

Erica Bennett [00:36:18]:

It's a hard no, right? We see it all the time. Oh, my Lord. Do we see it all the time on TikToks about dating boundaries? Right? Like, this is a boundary of how I want to be treated. That is great. You absolutely can do that. And guess what? You can provide it to yourself. And if that person chooses to not partake in providing it to you, it doesn't mean you get to yell at them and beat them up about it, right? Like not physically beat them, but you know what I mean? Like verbally just constantly nag them about it. No, you take your own ass somewhere else and you take care of it for yourself.

 

Erica Bennett [00:36:56]:

A boundary is a call for you to take action on how you need to maintain your best self. If somebody says no, don't be offended because guess what? You get to say no too. And we should all be taking on the things that we can take on within our energetic vessel, within our boundaries. When I was first divorced, I was exhausted. For years I was exhausted. I had depleted my adrenal glands, and if you know anything about the endocrine system, one hits the next, hits the next hits the next. It's a big old unraveling of all the systems that I had depleted and not maintained and not taken care of. And it took a lot of rest.

 

Erica Bennett [00:37:43]:

It took a lot of me creating better boundaries. It took a lot of me saying no. I said no to a lot of family gatherings and not because I didn't miss my family and I didn't love my family. But it was not something that I could energetically take on, especially because there were still some feelings about the divorce, about what should have happened or shouldn't happen, and I wasn't in a space to be able to handle it. So, I just said no. Politely and nicely, I just said no. If you guys are struggling, if you feel like you're exhausted all the time, take a look at your boundaries. Define what you need to be your best self and unapologetically pick.

 

Erica Bennett [00:38:25]:

You decide that you are important too. Just like you prioritize the needs of your family, you need to start prioritizing the needs of yourself. Because when you are happier, everyone else is happier too.

 

Thank you guys for joining me today to talk about boundaries. If your boundaries need some work, never fear, it's a lifelong process, right? Boundaries are about you being your best self. And guess what? You deserve it.

 

Erica Bennett [00:40:15]:

You should prioritize yourself. You should put your needs first. And I am giving you permission. So I don't know who needs to hear this, but you deserve of all the boundaries you need in your life. So until next week's episode, take care you guys, and start saying no. Bye.